Ann Treneman: Parliamentary Sketch
Star musicians and your favourite Times writers at the Albert Hall
The preparation for Prime Minister’s Questions by Gordon Brown is said to have been intense. The night before, over dinner, it had been left to his wife, Sarah, to tell him that he would have to apologise in the Commons for the Government losing the details of 25 million people.
“Do I?” he said sulkily, looking down at his plate.
“Yes,” said Sarah firmly, glowing in her bright yellow pinny.
“But I’m setting up a review!” cried Gordon.
“That’s wonderful, dear, but that’s not enough,” she said, adopting the tone Supernanny uses with stubborn toddlers.
“But it’s not my fault!” he bellowed.
The Official Secrets Act precludes me from passing on further details except to say that Sarah won. Gordon approached his task (for he has never said “sorry” before in the Commons) with Presbyterian zeal. He tried to set up a working group and a citizens’ jury. Could this be an emergency? If so, he could call a meeting of his beloved Cobra! Sarah, now in a bright yellow nightie, eyed him wearily.
“No working group. No citizens’ jury. No Cobra,” she said. “Just practice, practice, practice.”
She cranked up the Downing Street gramophone and the voice of Elton John sang out: “Sorry seems to be the hardest word.” Gordon, practising the word “apologise” in the mirror, grimaced. What a mouthful: it was four syllables of total pain.
Sarah, in her bright yellow coat, wasn’t in the gallery but Gordon knew she’d be watching at home. There was no way out and so he got it out of the way immediately. “Mr Speaker,” he intoned, rushing his words. “I profoundly regret and apologise for the inconvenience and worries that have been caused.”
At the word “apologise”, the Tories shouted: “Ahhhhh!”
Gordon ignored them and soothed himself by telling us about his reviews, which by this time had grown to three.
David Cameron stood up. His goal was to make Gordon angry. “It’s all very well holding reviews but the Government has had ten years to sort this out,” he shouted.
Gordon, practising his new anger-management breathing technique, told us about his reviews again and quoted passages from the Manual of Protective Security before blaming the Opposition.
“Do you know what people want from their Prime Minister on a day like this?” demanded Dave, as lofty as a converted warehouse. “For him to stand up, show some broad shoulders, be the big man, take some responsibility.”
Gordon lunged to his feet. “I said right at the beginning,” he snapped. “I apologise for what has happened!”
But he didn’t sound apologetic now. He sounded petulant. And angry. And defensive. Dave immediately increased the voltage on his cattle prod by asking if Gordon would think again on ID cards. Gordon insisted that ID cards will be great because people will feel confident that their identity is being protected.
Tories screamed as Dave said it was “bizarre” and “weird” that the PM was still so keen on ID cards. This was too much for Gordon. He forgot about his anger management breathing technique. He forgot about his apology. He forgot about Elton John and that wretched song. All he could see was that Eton-educated Tory toff, standing there, taunting him about something that wasn’t his fault.
Gordon bellowed: “You talk about running things! Well for ten years the best economic policy in any part of Europe! For ten years the lowest inflation of any decade! The lowest interest rates of any decade! Something that you could never rival!”
I’m sorry but that’s not an apology, it’s a rant. Sarah, if still watching, will not be happy.
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"Well for ten years the best economic policy in any part of Europe! For ten years the lowest inflation of any decade! The lowest interest rates of any decade! Something that you could never rival!â Ah, if only it were true! My (real) inflation is running at some four times the Government version.
Andy, Whitchurch,
Are we to presume that Gordon and Sarah and their offspring were also on those discs along with Tony, Cherie and Leo Blair and members of the Cabinet who boast young families? It would indeed be somewhat ironical if their identities were among the first to be 'stolen' although I cannot think even the dimmest of criminals would want any of those personas.
Bernard James Luckhurst, Eastcote, Pinner, Middlesex
It seems that Gordon is on the inevitable decline, and it seems to be a fast decline. Perhaps he should go to his three predecessors for advice on what to do after leaving Downing Street - assuming, of course, that he isn't serving time for Corruption in a Public Office.
Neil, Gloucestershire, England
I think Gordon Brown has been extremely lucky over the past 10+ years with the world's ecomomies mostly going upwards, however now at long last we seem to be finding out the truth about this man, who killed off many a good pension fund, and the firm who had it with is 20% tax/steal, he ruined the the ideal savings plan for shares, which in turn helped our companies changing the Pep to a less generious ISA. I have been a trades unionist and labour supporter all my klife, I'm now 69 and never will I vote Labour again. I would trust Tony Blair but never Gordon Brown. Look at his treatment of our troops !! our senior citizens,extra high taxes on fuel thus not allowing us to compete on a level playing field with the rest of the E.U. in fact not even with Scotland on many things. Mr Brown should be taking the flack of Alistar Darling, it was he who demoralised the treasury and customs, but he will not own up to it, poor Alistar has to take it on the chin.
B.Turner, READING, Berkshire
How opportunist of the opposition parties to jump to the defense of the incompetent HMRC official who blundered, absolving him of all blame. Do they seriously think that Gordon Brown and Darling should be standing over every government employee making sure they are doing the basics? Of course HMRC employees are going to blame anyone but themselves and pressures of work...I worked for a short time in a council office and was shocked at their laziness and lack of interest in their work. It's a disgrace that the official should even have to be told to send such sensitive information securely... his attitude to his job is a disgrace. No amount of legislation or procedures would change his type of couldn't care less attitude. I actually feel very sorry for Gordon Brown who apparently gets up at 5am and works damned hard on behalf of the country and has to take all the flak for a lazy incompetent fool.
ann witter, Aberdeen, Scotland
I guess at least he said 'sorry' - that's more than when he stole our pensions or sold off British gold at rock bottom prices
Rob, Birmingham, UK
Gordon is dead set on getting us all with the ID card isn't he!!!
I'd love him to personally explain to me how it will protect us more than the current DWP system. Knowing for a fact Gordon wont have a clue about computting but thinks it sounds like a great idea.
Anyone with a bit of know how realises that the system he is proposing will increase fraud on a massive, massive scale.
It's like saying, look, we are setting up this system that is so secure that no one questions it, so all you have to do is get your name on it or pretend your one of the people on it and you've got your "free pass" to do what you want with.
Saying that though, he only agree'd to do the biometric passports becuase the US said we wouldn't get the visa's as easy, so I guess it wouldn't take much to have given in on the ID card system with the new feature of "chip and pin".
Loads of private companyies get there websites hacked and data stolen, they cover it up though, so that not to damage image.
Andrew, England,
Wonderful, marvellous, 'lofty as a converted warehouse' will stay with me for years. Not to mention quoting passages from the manual before blaming the opposition. 'I shall now read from the Book of Protective Security, chapter 12, verses 3-14."
Helen, northants,
And Dave, the ordinary lad from Eton and his band of braying adolescents are indisputable clowns of the year. But then, that's the Tories' role in any year.
eric campbell, harrogate , uk
Brilliant, utterly brilliant. Having been away on a long holiday to South Africa I am missing out on the hysteria surrounding the "missing discs." Ann Treneman's sketches have brought the story to life for me out here and provided a wonderful take on the shambles. Two and a half thumbs up!
Simon , Johannesburg, South Africa
Three fabulous sketches from Ann. She must be in line for sketchwriter of the year
Dave (the other one), Geneva, Switzerland