The big winner of Prime Minister’s Questions was Vince Cable. Yes, Vince! Not Gordon Brown, the man who has launched a thousand inquiries but often doesn’t seem to know right from wrong. Not David Cameron, the boy wonder who is mastering the art of fighting dirty. But Vince - the man who escaped from a Dickens novel only to find himself cast in the role of acting leader of the Lib Dems.

At PMQs, like the wallflower at a dance, he is always the last to be called. Still, his turns in the spotlight have become a cult hit with the Commons. Yesterday he noted, as dry as a sand dune: “The House has noticed the Prime Minister’s remarkable transformation in the last few weeks from Stalin to Mr Bean.”

The collective belly laugh was instantaneous. It echoed round the chamber like a very merry “ho, ho, ho”. Gordon’s eyes flew open. He, like Mr Bean, had an alarmed look. “Creating chaos out of order rather than order out of chaos,” Vince explained just in case the PM thought that Mr Bean was some kind of vegetable.

There was an hysterical edge to PMQs. The House is punch drunk after a solid ten days of crisis non-management. There are almost too many to keep track of and the Labour-donor sleaze scandal is so complicated that it makes a bowl of spaghetti look straightforward.

Q&A: secret donor scandal

Our Political Correspondent analyses the origins of the secret donor sleaze row and its potential implications

• Timeline: Labour's secret donor row

Multimedia

• Video: Brown under fire in Parliament

• Pictures: Labour funding row - key players

Background

• A walking paradox who gave £600,000

• Brown is made to play the fool in stage farce

• Jack Dromey declares he is victim of concealment

It was Mr Cameron’s task to find out which strand to pick out and throw. It seemed a great shame that he went for that tired old stand-by: why hadn’t the PM told the police?

What about other issues, such as why so many people named Janet pretend to give money to Labour. It is a breakthrough for all Janets who are lumbered with the most unfashionable name ever. Indeed, this may be the first scandal anywhere with two Janets and a Harriet.

Fascinating stuff and yet, sadly, Dave seemed much more interested in the police. Mr Brown claimed that only the Electoral Commission could go to the police. “The Prime Minister is wrong!” cried Dave.

But Mr Brown Bean is never wrong, only hapless. He kept using his various reviews like giant shields to hide behind.

Dave then picked up another strand of spaghetti: the role of the new Labour fund-raising chief, Jon Mendelsohn. Again, and I hope you don’t think I’m fixated, his name raises a question. Is he related to Felix Mendelssohn? And how many Janets does he know?

Mr Brown defended Mr Mendelsohn, who had, like absolutely everyone in this sorry saga, just put out a statement. Dave, now swinging his strand of spaghetti like a lasso above his head, cried: “I have to say your whole explanation beggars belief! This goes to questions of the Prime Minister’s own integrity!”

Mr Cameron was on a roll, shouting about incompetence. “Aren’t people rightly asking now: is this man simply not cut out for the job?”

I think that the word “incompetent” wounds Mr Brown. He began to rage: “As for competence, I remind him that in 1992 he sat there when interest rates went to 15 per cent!” Then he began to chant loudly about his own achievements: “Competence is the lowest interest rates for a generation! The lowest inflation for a generation! The highest employment for a generation!” Finally, he bellowed: “We will continue to do our best by the country!”

Well, if this is his best, I’d hate to see his worst. Still, it’s good news for Janets. And Vince Cable.

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