To the Commons, then, to see the great catfight. Harriet Harman, the Leader of the House, was defending herself against allegations of political sleaze. Her tormentor was Theresa May. I arrived to find both dressed to duel. Harriet had chosen white, the colour of innocence. Theresa was in leather and leopardskin. This was not good cop, bad cop so much as good girl, bad girl.

Yes, in politics these days, sisters are doing it for themselves, though not, perhaps, as the suffragettes would have foreseen it. These two really are opposites who do not attract. Theresa may be famous for wearing silly shoes but she can be sharp with the stiletto. Harriet would not be caught dead wielding a stiletto for, of course, they are bad for your posture. I was hoping that the fur would fly except Harriet, I’m sure, hates fur.

Theresa attacked first with all the restraint of the Psycho shower scene. She accused Harriet of being “engulfed” in a sleaze scandal. Theresa demanded that the House’s weekly topical debate should be on party funding sleaze. When told, by the Speaker, to behave herself she was magnificently deceitful.

Sleaze. Sleaze. Sleaze. How Theresa loved that word. For her, and all Tories, it rhymes with Schadenfreude. You could hear the joy in her voice as she used it once again, just for fun.

Harriet looked at her notes, occasionally scribbling something. (I would like to think it was: “What a cow!” but I don’t think that Harriet would approve of such language.) Harriet is in the line of fire for two reasons. She accepted (then returned) £5,000 for her deputy leadership campaign from one of the fake donors. Also she is married to the Labour treasurer, which is not a crime in itself, of course. He knows nothing, as you would expect.

Theresa ended by insulting the monkey kingdom. “The Leader of the House, the Prime Minister and the Labour Party treasurer are like the three wise monkeys. They see no evil, they hear no evil, and speak no evil! Quite simply, it won’t wash!”

Harriet’s face was a mask as she stood up and, in a level voice that bordered on monotone, defended herself. “Myself and my campaign team acted at all times in good faith. We acted at all times within the letter and the spirit of the law,” she said.

Harriet painted herself as whiter than white. Indeed, it seems that Harriet may be heading for sainthood. Her recitation of good deeds was interrupted by the Speaker, who told her that we didn’t need every detail. At this, Harriet looked crestfallen.

Why? I began to fear that Harriet had prepared a “joke”. I use the quotation marks to protect the integrity of the English language. Harriet does not do jokes because she has no sense of humour. This is a rare condition, at least in politics, and scientists continue to study Harriet in hopes of finding a smidgin of wit.

My fear was borne out. Harriet approached her “joke” in the same way that a novice skier examines a black run. Then, with trepidation, she took the plunge. “The honourable lady can huff and puff, but she will not blow this Leader of the House down!” MPs were stunned. “Oooohhhhhh,” they cried.

Harriet looked almost as shocked. My thoughts immediately went out to the three little pigs. How will they react to being pitted against three wise monkeys? My, but this was a menagerie.

However, I guess that, when there’s a catfight, all the other animals want to get involved too.

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