David Cameron launched an attack on Gordon Brown yesterday as only he could. He was not quite wearing a smoking jacket but he might as well have been. He doesn’t fight like a girl so much as like a character in a Noël Coward play. It would be so much more fun if he would wear a monocle and a spotted silk cravat. Still, his attack yesterday was no less thuggish for its elegance.

It took place in broad daylight in the posh setting of a private members’ club in deepest Westminster. Mr Cameron had invited us there under the pretext of holding a press conference. The only problem: he had no news and we knew he had no news. The only possible reason for calling this event was to kick a man (Gordon Brown) when he was down. In politics, this is considered normal.

Dave’s acting skills are still rather am-dram but there is definite promise there and, on current form, he will one day achieve the Tony Blair gold standard. He glided into the room, his big round sunbeam face glowing with happiness. He pretended that this was because Gillian Gibbons had just been pardoned. We all knew the truth.

Dave began to warble about his “positive agenda”. This was his new education policy. That took up three seconds. He used up another five seconds telling us about his trip to China. (I predict a panda photo opportunity). Then he noted that, as regards party funding, he had the answers back in March 2006.

As he mused, still only gently, on this I think I saw him pull out his boxing gloves (velvet, to match the smoking jacket). I looked at his hands. His buffed oval fingernails actually glow. It could be that Mr Cameron is acquainted with a manicurist. Compare that with Mr Brown’s painfully bitten stumps. Mr Brown may have a great clunking fist but Mr Cameron has great cuticles.

Mr Cameron did not use the word sleaze to describe Labour’s donation crisis. Instead, it was “funding difficulties”. He noted, silkily, that the Labour situation did not make sense. “Either this organisation is utterly dysfunctional,” he purred, “or we have not actually been given the whole picture.”

But Dave had good news for Gordon when it comes to cash (for Labour is £20 million in debt). “If you work hard at it, it is possible to raise money!” noted Dave, suddenly full of tips. He noted, his impersonation of Prudence now complete, that since he became leader the Tories had raised £30 million. This had enabled them to reduce their £22 million debt to £8 million. Gordon Brown, if he was watching, gnawed at the only bit of ragged nail left.

Were all Tory donations above board? Mr Cameron’s reply was as composed as a symphony. The Tories had a good system in place but, of course, there were bound to be tiny mistakes. What about Lord Ashcroft? Dave was soothing on this. Finally, he announced: “I am certainly not saying the Conservative Party is perfect but we are trying hard.”

Did he regret impugning Mr Brown’s integrity? Dave looked about as upset as someone eating their favourite ice cream. “Either the Prime Minister is presiding over a situation that is utterly dysfunctional because no one wants to tell any bad news or more people did know about this problem.”

Which did he think more likely? “I am a politician not a soothsayer,” said Dave, eyes wide. If this keeps up, Mr Brown will not have any fingernails left.

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