Ben Macintyre in Lisbon
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Gordon Brown arrived bizarrely late for the EU treaty signing ceremony in Lisbon and signed the document alone, in an extraordinary diplomatic episode that was part snub, part standard mess-up and entirely embarrassing.
How the Prime Minister managed to get himself into that humiliating position is a mystery. By pleading a prior engagement with the Commons Liaison Committee, he seems to have been trying to distance himself from the treaty, but by turning up anyway, when the ceremony was already over, he managed to shoot himself in both feet: annoying anti-Europeans by signing the thing, and annoying pro-Europeans by appearing not to want to.
Mr Brown, it seems, hoped to have his cake and eat it. Except that he did not even get any cake, appearing at the formal lunch for 54 heads of government and foreign ministers just as everyone else was leaving the table. Perhaps they kept a doggy-bag for him, but I doubt it, because Mr Brown is firmly in the EU doghouse.
All the other signatories had put their names to the treaty in the splendidly ornate surroundings of the 16th-century Manueline monastery of Jerónimos. Mr Brown signed it on his own, in a backroom somewhere, while everyone else finished up a sumptuous five-course banquet.
Yesterday had begun in bright Portuguese sunshine – in perfect contrast to the dark Portuguese mood at having their big party so publicly cold-shouldered.
David Miliband, the Foreign Secretary, was left to take the stage alone. He did not seem entirely unhappy at being thrust, solo, into the limelight. I met him as he hurried off to the “family photograph” with the other government leaders. “Must go,” he said with a grin. “I wouldn’t want to leave an empty space.” If I did not know how loyal Mr Miliband is to Mr Brown, I would swear he raised an eyebrow.
While Mr Brown was still rushing to catch the plane to Portugal, Mr Miliband was trying to look interested in the opening speech by José Sócrates, the Portuguese Prime Minister and President of the European Council.
“History will not mention the words that will be uttered at this ceremony,” Mr Sócrates predicted, no doubt correctly. “History will remember this as a day when new paths of hope were opened towards the European ideal,” he added, almost certainly incorrectly.
This strange Sócratic dialogue went on for what seemed like days. It became mildly more interesting if you switched the translation to Finnish.
Each of the 27 nations signed the treaty, in turn, strictly alphabetically, while a billowy image of each national flag fluttered behind, and Beethoven’s Ode to Joy played on a loop. Each nation signed the two treaty books in pairs, one head of government and one foreign minister, before shaking hands; except the French, who, typically, insisted on overegging the crème brûlée by having three signatories: Prime Minister, Foreign Minister and President. And the British, equally typically, who could muster only one.

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Lisbon this week revealed the facts. Gordon Brown isn't fit to lead a country. David Miliband is. How long will it take for Labour to realise that?
Klaus , Earley,
I can only agree with some of the earlier comments. Britain should either become wholeheartedly member of the European Union, or leave. There is no way in between. So go for it or leave.
Dirk Janssens, Antwerpen, Belgium
I suggest your reader study "The Aachen Memorandum" by Andrew Roberts, published in 2004. This is rapidly becoming as important as Animal Farm as a look into the future, when the onky way out from European Superstate tyranny is Bloody revolution.
The Constitution gives the EU commission the right to produce new regulations by majority vote "when they think it necessary for the operation of the EU" We already have the EU arrest warrant, and Europol.
K Wellls, Bognor Regis, England
I always wondered why the British people give themselves so much troubles to decide whether they should or not become full member of the EU. They have demonstrated ,since the beginning ,when Europe was then only a six members'States,that they have no aspiration whatsoever in joining Europe. As a matter of fact ,they attempted to torpedo it with the creation of the Free Trade Association.It is my opinion that Britain should be booted out of the European institutions ; we could negotiate a trade treaty (the only aspect of Europe that attracts the GB) similar to the one, the idea of which is being floated around for Turkey.
Norbert Clement, Paris, France
The EU treaty is pretty much the rejected EU constitution with a different name, Welcome to the EU where dictatorship is the way forward.
The EU is to become the United States of Europe whether we like it or not, After this the New World Order will come into being where one government rules the world and dictates.
Gary, Peterborough, uk
The Bean's approach seems to be to do everything half-heartedly, always with a sour note- and with a superior attitude that if he'd been in the driving seat, rather than leaving it to mere mortals, then it would all have been much better. Well, Billy Bean- you are firmly in the driving seat, so how come everything is getting worse? I've never seem a politician with such a gift for getting the worst of both worlds out of everything he touches.
Doug, Glasgow,
It's a good thing that the British are so indifferent to the EU: all the other 24 nations that make up the EU are indifferent to Britain as well and couldn't particularly care less if Brown turns up late. Don't fool yourselves: the EU will go on, whether Britain is there or not.
Gordon Brown was just cutting off his nose to spite his face - a pretty foolish gesture in a world where the USA is retreating in on itself and China and India, countries of 1bn population, are becoming serious global players. If little Britain with its 60m people thinks it can make it all alone, then good luck!
MB, Edinburgh,
A really most excellent article. Ben McIntyre for news editor.
Owain, Folkestone, UK
Mr Brown is really a bit of an embarrasment isnt he!
Fred Smith, Reading, United Kingdom
Strange how the wheel turns full circle... that Oswald Mosely as "Old" Labour MP came up with the idea for the EU way back whenever... an idea that was picked up by Hitler later in his Neuropa and now Britain under New Labour seems to be the unwilling bride in it all.
But maybe our years of running delay 'n' interference tactics for Bush and the American corporations are over as there are more willing nations out there to do their dirty work and with the world economy in peril as it is, I would rather be stuck with the Euro than wear the concrete overcoat of the dollar.
Ian Watson, Gillingham, Dorset
Expect much more petty mindedness from Brown for the next two years until he is kicked out of office by the British electorate.
John, LONDON,
Hello Britain! Has no-one realised that Brown's late show was purely so the media couldn't show him smiling as he signs away Britain's independence, surrounded by a throng of deluded regional leaders of the Federal States of Europe??
All British and European people are now citiizens of a legally active supra-national state, this has been achieved without any consultation with the population, and nobody is even raising an eyebrow. I left for Australia this year, and not a moment too soon. Shame on the media and parliament for not standing up to this unelected joke of a prime minister and his corrupt parties attempts to destroy Britain and everything it used to stand for.
Luke , Sydney , Australia
This has got to be one of the bestand funniest pieces of writing that I have read in a long time. Brown obviously thought that he was striking a Puritanical workmanlike pose when, in fact, his absence was a serious dereliction of duty. He might as well have sent the diplomatic Catherine Tate to represent HMG.
Jon Cayzer, Cape Town, South Africa
The reason for the lateness of the British Prime Minister should have been for a very valid reason, a conflict in the diary should therefore, work on priority. Gordon Brown represents the whole of the British people at such events. Sometimes the game of politics might be appropriate, other times lateness is just down right rude, when all other head of states can arrive on time.
Mark Harris, Swansea, Wales
Funny, if Thatcher had done this it would have been hailed as an act of supreme hand bagging. Brown demonstrates true British indifference and he's denounced. He can't win but who ever could with the flip flop British attitude to the EU and a media that is sounding daily more bizarre in its reporting.
Ian, Toronto, Canada
"Yesterday upon the stair: I met a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today: Oh how I wish he'd go away"
Ron Brick, Manchester, England