As a general rule, you can tell how desperate politicians are by how quickly they drag children into their arguments. James Purnell, the Culture Secretary, faced with a potential £1 billion black hole in his Olympic budget, didn’t shilly-shally around yesterday. He stood up and, within seconds, was in full ecstatic warble about how he was inspired, every day in every way, by children.

“There is one little girl who swims two hours before school and two hours after school in pursuit of her dream of competing in the London Olympic Games of 2012,” said Mr Purnell, his voice attempting to swell with pride but failing, “and the second, a young disabled athlete who is hoping to compete in the table tennis.” He said that training had transformed the boy’s confidence.

At this point I knew that Mr Purnell was in trouble. Two youngsters in fewer than 30 seconds may be some kind of record. Mr Purnell is not an obvious athlete: indeed, his girth appears to be expanding as rapidly as his Olympic budget. But no one can say that he is not truly expert in using children as human shields.

“It is one of those events where hyperbole is justified,” he said with the excitement of a man reading a phone book. “It will be a once in a lifetime experience. It will bring the country together. It will transform Britain’s reputation overseas.”

I am sorry to report that there were guffaws at this point. Mr Purnell is simply terrible at hyperbole. Indeed, he may be the worst hyperbolist in the history of the world. Certainly in the history of the Olympics. He must never, ever try it again. He must stick to using children as human shields.

There were not many Labour MPs on hand, but the Tories were out in force. Many of them appeared to be in actual pain over the arts cuts that have been necessitated by the Olympics. “The heritage sector always seems to lose out while the Olympic sector gets bigger and bigger and bigger!” cried Robert Key, the MP for Salisbury and, not incidentally, Stonehenge.

Up popped Michael Fabricant, the Tory who is famous for his golden locks and who is currently wearing a rather fetching winter wig. He said that for those, like him, who are not from metropolitan London, the situation was worrying. “There are already swingeing cuts in the arts. Litchfield Garrick Theatre is no longer going to receive its funding. The Birmingham Rep isn’t going to either. This is being replicated all around the UK. What assurances do we have that it won’t get worse?”

Well, the word of James Purnell, I suppose. How much is that worth? Mr Purnell was utterly opaque on all aspects of the budget. To listen to him, you’d think that no sports or arts programmes had been cut. He seemed rather self-satisfied.

The high (or was it the low?) point came when Jeremy Hunt, the Tory culture spokesman, said that it was an extraordinary way to fund the Olympics by cutting the budget for grassroots sports. It was, he trilled, a “cut too far”.

Mr Purnell heaved himself up to deny this. “Grassroots sports are thriving!” he cried.

Mr Hunt spat back: “Can I suggest that, as they say in the States, you do the math.”

Who was right? Had grassroots sports been cut or not? Is there a black hole? I hope you do not think me guilty of hyperbole when I say that I’m not sure anyone knows the answers. Mr Purnell won the vote but little else yesterday.

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