Welcome to Euro-farce day. You couldn’t make it up. I certainly haven’t. What follows is not a work of fiction. The Lib Dems might wish that it was in the cold light of day, but it’s not.

Scene One: 11.30am, College Green

We rush to the fabled patch of grass for a snap press conference called by four Labour rebels who think (shock!) that Labour should keep its pledge for a referendum. The Heretical Four huddle together, cast out in the cold (literally). They clutch copies of Labour’s little red book, their manifesto from 2005. I wonder if they are going to burn them, not in outrage, but for heat. Their leader, Ian Davidson, makes an impassioned speech about democracy and why Labour and the Lib Dems should vote for a referendum, but the traffic noise means that we only hear the odd word. He ends by shouting: “The struggle continues!” What’s he talking about?

Scene Two: noon, PMQs, the Commons

The struggle does, indeed, continue but now it belongs to Nick Clegg. How did he get it so wrong? The Lib Dems really believe in Europe but Mr Clegg has ordered them, on pain of political death, to sit on the fence on the subject of a referendum. To most sane people (granted, this doesn’t include many Lib Dems), it just doesn’t make sense. He rose to a wall of mockery that dwarfed his silly little fence. Mr Clegg tried to mock back. It was a sad sight, like a mock-croc handbag that thinks it’s a crocodile. Gordon Brown scolded, almost gently: “There is not much principle in recommending abstention.”

Mr Clegg flailed back: “He talks about leadership but the fact is he bottled it!” Everyone screamed “oooohhhh”. For once, it wasn’t Mr Brown who’d bottled it.

Scene Three: 12.40, referendum debate, the Commons

William Hague regales us with the Euro Mouse Theory. This notes that, genetically, a mouse is 90 per cent the same as a human. So it’s only the extra 10 per cent that really counts. The Lib Dems (inventors of the Euro Mouse Theory) believe that the Lisbon treaty may be only 10 per cent different from the original. Thus the fence. Mr Hague, eyes fixed on the Lib Dems, noted: “The difference between a man and a mouse is, indeed, a fascinating question.”

“Squeak! Squeak!” shouted the Tories at the Lib Dems. “Cheese!” cried Labour MPs. “Cheese!”

Mr Hague began to shred the Mouse Theory. “Cat!” an MP cried. “Meow!” Mr Hague looked like the you-know-what who’d got the cream.

He has lost the war but he won the argument yesterday.

Up popped little Ed Davey for the Lib Dems, whiskers trembling. He seemed a bit Billy Bunterish but in a bad way. He was aggressive, illogical, evasive and pompous. And that’s the positive view. As Mr Davey spoke, several of his fellow Lib Dems resigned so that they could get off the fence and vote for a referendum. Sadly, Mr Davey was not among them. We may have to hear him again. Pass the cheese.

Scene Four: 6.45pm, The Vote

I went not for the result (the Government was always going to “win”) but to see what a “principled sit-in” looked like. I can report that it is exactly like an unprincipled sitting around. Watching MPs abstain is like watching paint dry but not as interesting. Nick Clegg perched, one buttock on, one off, the front bench. Perhaps all that sitting on the fence has made him saddle-sore.

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