To: Downing Street Strategy Team From: Stephen Carter, Chief of Staff (IMPORTANT: Not for circulation among the Shadow Cabinet!)

Cc: PR Week

Monday

This is bad. Very bad. It’s going to be a tough week, and it’s going to be tough from the top down. This is Project Winner. Remember, Gordon is not a Loser. Gordon is a Winner. Repeat that. Carve it into your arm with a pair of compasses. Henceforth, in fact, don’t even say “Gordon”. Say “Winner”. Officially, unofficially, all the time. Repetition shall make it true.

So. Task one is to get into Winner’s office on the Bank Holiday, and remove anything sharp. Letter openers, scissors, ceremonial swords, anything like that. I’m not so bothered about little things like pins and badges. Just anything big enough to open a vein.

Task two is to put an early dampener on a) speculation over the leadership and b) speculation over Winner’s health. Oh, and I just thought of another: c) any of those bloody sketchwriters making cracks about Winner being like Michael Winner. That won’t do at all.

Tuesday

No, damn it. We’re going to have to ditch the “Winner” thing. The more I think about it, the more I can hear David Cameron shrieking “Calm down dear, it’s only a credit crunch” at him over the dispatch box. Scratch that. It’s gone. Let’s call him “The Achiever”. And no, that isn’t a U-turn.

As early as possible, The Achiever ought to achieve something. Something cheap, but really impressive. Any ideas? Not the one about getting Blair indicted for war crimes. We’re saving that for when we really need it. Is there anything else we can ban? Elastic bands? Matches? Some kind of cutlery? Those sweetcorn forks are vicious. Hey, maybe we can make it illegal to ride a bike without a helmet. Would that work? No. Aaagh. Boris. Martyrdom. Something else.

Wednesday

PMQs! Oh God above, how are we going to handle PMQs? Maybe we’ll be lucky. Maybe there will be a bomb. Not something we can count on. (Or is it? Not my area. Somebody check.)

Thursday

Thursday is going to be reshuffle day. The Achiever doesn’t know this yet, but I’ll talk him around. It’s essential. Any longer, and it looks like weakness. We need some scalps. Scapegoats. Do goats have scalps? Can somebody Google it? God I’m tired. Ed Balls. What about him? I know The Achiever is a fan, but he’s a symbol, isn’t he? He’s like Michael Portillo in 1997. And it’s only 1995. So precocious. It’s amazing. No, too bold. Somebody else? His wife? Is Ruth Kelly still in the Cabinet? Haven’t seen her in months. Or a Miliband? We surely don’t need two.

Friday

This is when the leadership rivals will start to speak out. So, we need to be ready. New suit. New hair. No more pictures with children. They’re always a disaster. Somebody has to tell him. From now on, we don’t fight the creepiness. We embrace it. He is the Demon CEO. The Achiever. There could be a gun called that. Christ, he doesn’t know anybody with a gun, does he? Admiral West? Don’t let him in.

Jack Straw could be a problem. John Reid can’t be bothered. The Miliband with a moustache is a wuss. Is there anybody else we should be worried about? Anybody young, photogenic and exciting? Full marks, by the way, to whoever has been feeding James Purnell. That was real forward thinking. Right. Project Achiever. Starts on Monday. He’ll definitely last until then. No?

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