The horror, the horror. There were two disasters at PMQs. The Prime Minister was painfully lacklustre. To watch a man drowning is a terrible thing. I found myself looking round for one of those SOS life rings to throw to him. He's so stubborn he would have probably thrown it back. David Cameron was on good form, though too cocky given the state of his victim. But his triumph was spoilt by — and I shudder as I type — his new hairdo.

You may think I am overstating things. At PMQs my seat in the Press Gallery is directly over the Tory leader. This makes me an expert on his bald patch but unable to see his face. So I emerged from the chamber unaware anything was amiss follicle-wise.

Instead I was pondering the savaging I had just seen. It's not only that Dave attacked well (his subject was the planned increase in vehicle excise duty). It was that Gordon didn't hit back properly. He'd arrived looking chaotic, clutching a thousand pages of notes. His delivery was at times faltering and on autopilot. The stammer was back. He seemed about as bouncy as a flat tyre.

The great clunking fist had become the great limp handshake. This is the first PMQs since the Crewe & Nantwich Tory victory and it is obvious that the Prime Minister is feeling battered and bruised. As you may know, Gordon has taken to calling up voters for a chat. But I couldn't help but wonder if Gordon was in any fit state to be cold-calling anyone except, possibly, the Samaritans. Maybe some of those Cabinet ministers talking behind his back should cold-call him, with a few words of support.

So I wasn't surprised when the first person I met after PMQs said: “Wasn't it awful?” I started to mumble something about Gordon. “No, the hairdo!” The hairdo? It had to be Dave. Gordon's too manly to have a do. He just has hair.

Then the next person I met said: “What's with Dave's hair?”

Not, what's with Dave's attack on car taxes? Not, what about how Dave, at times, almost seemed too vicious? For he did. At one point, Dave shouted: “If a company director got up and read out a statement like that, the authorities would be after him.” That's really an accusation of lying. The PM should have hit back. Instead he flashed his weird smile.

But none of this mattered. All the talk was of the hair. Soon there was a wire agency story running on the new do. (I am not making this up.) It all seemed ludicrous until, that is, I actually saw a photograph. Oh dear. Dave had a centre parting! Demi Moore may sue. Think of Billy Bunter goes to Eton.

Suddenly something that happened at PMQs made sense. Labour backbenchers had been very rowdy as Dave had been going on about the Ford Focus: “I know the Prime Minister thinks you fill up a car with a barrel of oil but these are cars that people actually buy with their money!”

The Labour screaming only got worse and now Dave shouted back: “I don't know why you're shouting at me. It's the Prime Minister who's given you the lowest poll rating since Michael Foot!”

The shouting continued but now I can see these were cries of laughter. The Prime Minister may be unpopular but at least he doesn't look like a prat.

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