It was the new Dave who appeared before us yesterday in Birmingham. It was as if, over the past few years, we’ve been seeing various prototypes – green Dave, cuddly Dave, walking Dave – but now the great Dave experimental phase is over. Yesterday the final product stood before us as nothing less than Prime Minister Dave.

I believe the Prime Minister Dave doll will be in the shops soon (for Christmas, at least). You will be able to get him with various props though not, obviously, his family (at least not yet). He will be sold, it is understood, with his own lectern. He’s done with all that walking around stuff, trying to prove he’s young and fit. Now that he’s a grown-up, he’s put away those childish things and got a lectern.

The Tories had sold out Birmingham Symphony Hall. They began queueing two hours beforehand. As they poured in, they filled every seat in the five-tier hall, transforming it into a huge Tory wedding cake. The cake cheered wildly when Dave, the conductor, the leader, the man with the lectern if not the baton, strode on to the stage, ostentatiously clutching a sheaf of papers. The message was clear. The new Dave is not afraid to have a written speech: he’s no auto-cutie.

Nor is the new Dave afraid to be dull and long-winded. He spoke for 64 very long minutes. And, like all prime ministers, he thinks he’s got to tell us about himself. This took the form of an almost bizarre personal testimony. “I’m a 41-year-old father of three who thinks that family is that most important thing there is. For me. For my country.” Those truncated sentences are very Blair: the new Dave loves them.

Dave poked fun at another Prime Minister (last year’s doll, no longer popular). He, Dave, knew how to build a strong team. Behind him, his team sat, looking not so much strong as drugged. He also has a Dave motto: “Go with your conviction, not calculation. The popular thing may look good for a while but the right thing will always be right.” The right thing will always be right. What does it mean? It doesn’t matter. Prime ministers say things like that. The right thing for Prime Minister Dave is to say things like the right thing will always be right. Rubbish but impressive rubbish. It proves that he’s not a novice. Indeed, his whole speech was aimed at proving exactly that.

I lost track of time, but knew he was coming to the end when he told us he was an optimist. “We will come through. We always do. Because of what you do – because of the work you do, the families you raise, the jobs you create, because of your attitude, your confidence and your determination. Because we are united! Because we have had the courage to change!” It felt a bit like a pitch on a shopping channel. Dave didn’t care. He beamed at us. He’d had the courage to change. Now he had a lectern. He had a speech. He had rubbish sentences and personal mottos. He had the answers. As he told us, bursting with pride: “I’m a man with a plan.”

When it was over, the wedding cake rose as one and Bryan Ferry’s Let’s Stick Together came on. Soon Dave was indeed stuck together with his wife, Samantha. There was a lot of kissing and waving. Indeed, I understand that the Prime Minister Dave doll will be able to do both. It’s essential to get these things right.

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