Ed Balls is scrapping the national tests for 14-year-olds. Apparently they are a colossal waste of time. (My children have been saying that for years.) Of course, he could not just say this, that would be too easy. Instead, he told us: “The measures we have already announced to improve real-time reporting of progress will mean that parents get much more regular information than just the results of a single test.”

As he said the words “real-time reporting of progress”, I got that foggy feeling in my head that I used to get when I was 14 and came across a baffling test question. What was he talking about? What is “real-time reporting”? Indeed, what is “real time”? And if there is “real time” then what is “unreal time”? It is the kind of thing that only Stephen Hawking can answer.

But just because Mr Balls is scrapping tests for 14-year-olds does not mean that I am scrapping my test for him (he is 41, so there is a nice symmetry there).

Here is my report: English Disaster and that’s in real time. Yesterday Mr Balls spoke of schools that had high results with low value added and those with low results with high value added. Is this an education system or a supermarket? Arggh. 3/10 Clarity Let’s be clear about this, as politicians always say. Mr Balls could give a masterclass to octopuses on how best to spread that inky blackness in times of trouble. He was asked time and time again (is that real time?) about the fiasco of last year’s SATs results. So how many schools in total have requested that the tests be remarked? Mr Balls couldn’t say. “The process isn’t yet complete,” he said (surely that is an outrage in itself). He added: “It is being done rigorously and properly as it always is!” I pinched myself. 1/10 Humour Mr Balls is not a lot of laughs (maybe it’s having such a funny name that makes him so serious). Michael Gove, the Shadow Schools Secretary, complained about the standard of some questions. One of the questions on the Key Stage Three science test was: “What part of a rider’s body does a riding hat protect?” Mr Balls was deadpan. Mr Gove then gave a GCSE science question: “Do we look at the stars through a telescope or a microscope?” Mr Balls looked grimmer. Needless to say there was no witty response. 1/10 Maths The Opposition insists that standards are falling and says that, when compared with other countries, we have gone from fourth to fourteenth in science. Mr Balls insists that standards are rising: in 1997, 69 per cent of pupils reached level 4 in science, today that is 88 per cent. Apples and oranges come to mind. 5/10 Total 9/40 That’s a fail, in real time.

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