Jacqui Smith came to the Commons, dressed to impress in gangster pinstripes, to tell us that she knew nothing. It took four pages of single-typed text to explain the vast expanse of nothingness that she did not know. It was quite impressive: not since black holes were discovered has so much of nothing been seen to exist.

She was contemptuous about those who doubted her total ignorance over the arrest of Damian Green and the search of his offices and homes. “I hope that those who have asserted the contrary will now withdraw their claims!” she said. She then trumped her own ignorance by saying that, even if she had known anything (and she didn’t) then she wouldn’t have done anything because it’s better to do nothing at all times.

Dominic Grieve, her Tory shadow, viewed her with something close to derision. He is a barrister, as sharp and dry as a sandstorm. She is a schoolteacher, her almost surreal pillowy serenity masking an innate rigidity and a deep love of rules. Yesterday I think she was very close to sending Mr Grieve to detention.

But then almost every MP would have had to join him. The rambunctious and nearly mutinous tone was set early when the Tory barrister Douglas Hogg shouted “Cover-up! Cover-up!” and the Labour grandee Barry Sheerman sneered: “You are a silly man. You have a whole history of being silly in this House, you silly man!”

Children! Behave! There, I think I’ve summed up Jacqui Smith’s strategy. But the children are not going to behave. There is a viciousness in the air that is new. The hatred across the House is so consuming that when a Lib Dem asked Ms Smith a question yesterday she didn’t even bother to listen, much less answer. When Ms Smith sat down, a Conservative MP shouted: “Tory gain!” She has a marginal seat.

It is Ms Smith’s misfortune to be surrounded by people who think they could do her job better. Across the way there is David Davis, who had dismounted from his white charger for the day, and Michael Howard, who is inquisitor-in-chief. He asked with genuine curiosity if she had, at any time, requested information. “No!” she trilled proudly.

Then there is John Reid, the former Home Secretary known as Dr Demento. He’s been all over this like a rash. Yesterday he too questioned the know-nothing path. “I cannot think that if I had been told that this had been done after the event that I would have remained as placid as she has,” he said to laughter. “I would have wanted to be informed!”

Ms Smith looked placid. “On the subject of placidity, sometimes I think it behoves home secretaries to deal calmly with issues.”

Throughout Damian Green sat on the front bench, his face drawn. When Ms Smith read out what he had been arrested for – suspicion of conspiring to commit misconduct in a public office and aiding and abetting, counselling or procuring misconduct in a public office – he shook his head. “I have a copy of my arrest warrant here,” he said, waving it, “and the phrase ‘counselling or procuring misconduct in a public office’ does not occur.” He asked her to withdraw the words. Ms Smith, who lacks personal generosity, refused. “I would certainly be prepared to take that up with the police,” she said, as placid as a cow chewing its cud while, all around the pasture, the heifers rioted.

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