The Man Who Saved the World popped into Britain to tell us about his weekend. He’d had a global mini-break, a 7,500-mile jaunt taking in Brussels, Afghanistan, Pakistan, India and, oh yes, England. Actually he didn’t mention England. Too dull. Too rainy. Too many irritating bankers who won’t lend. It’s so much nicer to spend a weekend wearing a suit in a war zone.

He had on the same suit but looked much more frazzled in the Commons than he did on the front line. His pile of papers has taken on truly global proportions. He was obviously tired, because all of his careful speech coaching went out the window: he stuttered, ranted and bellowed. I see that Alky Aida – his special name for al-Qaeda – has made a return just in time for Christmas (I’m sure her tipple of choice is sherry.)

It was a five-star weekend and all the stars belong to him. First stop Brussels, where he saved the euro economy with his new best friend Fiscal Stimulus. He speaks of this, like Alky Aida, as a physical being. “The debate about Fiscal Stimulus is resolved,” he announced to fake laughter from the Tories. David Cameron leant forward and barked, like a cartoon character.

Then Gordon told us how he is saving Afghanistan. The language he uses to talk about Afghanistan now mirrors that once used about Iraq. I looked over at the Tories to see if anyone was going to throw a shoe but the front bench all had on lace-ups. Perhaps loafers have been banned as entirely too tempting.

“Our goals in Afghanistan are clear,” he announced and embarked on the kind of “to-do” list that only God should contemplate.

First we are “confronting terror at its source”. Plus we are supporting democracy in every way. We are also training the Afghan Army and trying to fill in “empty spaces on the map” that shelter narco-terrorists. He made it sound like a colouring-in exercise. Plus he is sorting the Afghan economy (“Just say ‘no’ ” could be the catchphrase), though he didn’t mention Mr Stimulus. Plus there’s infant mortality, girls going to school etc. It was exhausting and MPs on both sides listened with faces of stone. It’s all been such a success that he’s sending 300 more troops. You could see people thinking: “And how many more?”

James Arbuthnot, the Tory chairman of the Defence Select Committee who makes Eeyore look like a ray of sunshine, was gloomy. “As I listened to you, I found myself agreeing with you but not inspired or enthused. Is there anything you can do to inspire the country so that it actually starts believing with some enthusiasm about why we need to be in Afghanistan?”

Gordon tried – Alky Aida got another mention – but now he sounded a bit like a cartoon character going through the motions. He then headed to Pakistan and India. I do hope someone is getting air miles on this and is wearing DVT socks.

The jet lag began to show as he launched a dated attack on the Tories. They are the “nasty party”, he said. “At a time when people need help at Christmas, they would put the help away.”

Mr Cameron, finding himself without a shoe to hand, lobbed this back. “I know he didn’t really mention the Germans,” he said, looking around conspiratorially. “I think maybe he did once but he thinks he got away with it . . .”

The Man Who Saved the World ignored him, for he thinks – nay, knows – that he’s a shoe-in all over the world.

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