David Cameron, who has always denied that he is publicity crazed, gave birth to a giant baby in public yesterday. He did this by having a type of political Caesarean in which the infant enters the world via an advertising campaign. In future, this type of birth procedure will be referred to as a Cameronean. Mr Cameron gathered 200 of his closest friends at Lindley Hall, Westminster, to watch the miracle birth that took place on a special “birthing stage”. The event was introduced (speeches are an essential part of a Cameronean) by “Uncle George”, the Shadow Chancellor, who has been at Mr Cameron’s side throughout his pregnancy, which was kept hidden until yesterday.

The event was full of doom and gloom. The Conservative Party, which denies that it is using the child for political purposes, had erected a giant “debt clock” next to the birthing stage. As the birth progressed, the numbers flashed before our eyes, recording a national debt that goes up by £2,500 a second. In this way we could see that the birth, which took 30 minutes, cost £4.5 million.

Uncle George, his face full of woe, said the labour had all been long and painful. “I blame the Labour Party,” he said, scowling.

Now we saw a film of the birth (it is essential in a Cameronean procedure to show a film of the birth before it happens). In front of us loomed a baby the size of a double-decker bus lying under a huge white blanket originally crocheted for a whale.

The baby, despite its size, looked adorable as it moved its silo-esque arms to the tinkling of a xylophone lullaby. Baby X began to drink from a car-sized teat on a baby bottle. This will enrage breastfeeding campaigners but I, for one, was relieved not to be confronted with a breast the size of a bungalow.

The sound was a little muffled but I thought I heard the film say that the baby weighed 17,000lb and was to be called Gordon Brown’s Debt. Then, suddenly, the film screen fell to the stage. There, before us, was the baby! No, the real one. The one on the poster. In real life, it looked even bigger and, as its eyes looked gravely out at us, cuter.

The crowd began to clap. Now Mr Cameron bounded up on stage, looking a trifle wan. Still, I marvelled. Even that Justice Minister in France, Rachida Dati, took five days to return after her Caesarean. But here was Mr Cameron appearing only seconds after his Cameroneon. Truly, this was a miracle procedure.

“I am standing in front of a poster of a beautiful baby boy – one of the most precious things in the world,” announced Dave. I thought, for a moment, he might cry, for he must have been a bit hormonal. Dave explained that the baby didn’t weigh 17,000lb but owed £17,000 at birth. He thinks Gordon Brown’s Debt is a great name. I felt sorry for newborn Master Debt. But apparently the real Gordo wants to change the name as well – to Tory Party Irresponsibility. Just imagine having to spell that your whole life.

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