The Gurkha policy was announced first, as our updated constitution demands, to Joanna Lumley in person by the Prime Minister. “I did as I promised,” he whispered, head ducking like a lovestruck schoolboy, when they met at No 10 at 8.45am.

La Lumley smiled at him indulgently, holding his eyes with hers. Mr Brown leant forward eagerly, blushing as he remembered their last meeting when he had cast himself on the ground before her and told her to rewrite the Gurkha policy as she saw fit. “How brave you are,” she had said, as he stared at her perfect feet.

Now Joanna emerged glowing with happiness, drawn like a magnet to the cameras outside in Downing Street. “Can we just say something, which is that we aren’t really allowed to say anything!”

She paused for a moment to look ecstatic. “The meeting was extremely positive.” She struggled to stop herself saying more — and failed. “We’ve got to wait for Jacqui Smith’s announcement at 12.30pm, but we feel . . . ” — she paused to glow for a long, tantalising moment — “. . . outstandingly optimistic!”

I wondered why we had to wait for boring old Jacqui Smith, with her silly old bathplug. But La Lumley was still talking about how she couldn’t talk. “Today’s the first time in my life I can’t have words, so I mustn’t say them, but it was superb! A superb meeting!”

Golly, golly, gosh! And as Joanna Lumley said it would be, so it was. At 12.30pm Jacqui Smith, looking a bit deflated these days, it must be said, made a statement. Irritatingly, she talked mostly about the Gurkhas and not Joanna.

MPs gazed longingly up to the balcony, where their heroine would normally be sitting. Yesterday, though, she was over the street, her blonde hair flowing in the gentle wind, as she stood in a line of Gurkhas holding a radio up for the cameras in her perfect hand. When the announcement came, Joanna and her band of brothers punched the air. “AYAGUKANAAIIIII!” they screamed. Later, I learned this was “Aayo Gurkhali!”, or “Here come the Gurkhas!” (Surely that should be updated to: “Aayo Joanna Lumley!”).

MPs jumped up to heap praise on Joanna, as they now call her. Tory MP Iain Duncan Smith said that, in future, ministers should find better chat-up lines for Joanna. Lembit Öpik said the people of Montgomeryshire had been united in support of Ms Lumley. A Labour MP spoke of his fears for soldiers who had fought in Kenya, Singapore, Malaysia. “They never had a Joanna Lumley,” he said sadly. MPs were silent, as they digested this terrible fact.

The moment the statement was over, there was a stampede out of the Commons to be nearer the sainted one. The Gurkhas, who could not stop smiling, held up a hand-made sign glued to a bit of cardboard that said: “Thank You Mr Gordon Brown, From All the Gurkhas”. Joanna, surrounded by soldiers, was doing rolling interviews interspersed with screams of “Aayo Gurkhali!”

She kept calling the Prime Minister brave. No doubt he adored this. Later his spokesman was asked if Mr Brown thought Ms Lumley should be made a Dame. “He is a great admirer of her campaigning skills,” said the spokesman, also blushing.

I think that it is only a matter of time before she becomes Baroness Lumley of Absolutely Fabulous.

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