Humpty Dumpty has nothing on Johnnie Bercow. Indeed the new Speaker is proof that pride (in his case of the overwhelming, overweening sort) comes before a fall. All week Mr Speaker has been stamping his foot about how the Government must, must, MUST tell any news first to Parliament and not the press.

Then, yesterday morning, came the news that Mr Speaker himself would be making a statement.

I rushed to the Chamber and found him nestled in the huge canopied Speaker’s chair, reading and rereading two pieces of ecru notepaper (surely he must start using vellum soon).

Did I see his lips moving? Occasionally he would look up from his perfectly typed words to observe the shenanigans that pass for business in the Commons.

I think his attention was caught for at least a minute by Alan “Hunky Dunky” Duncan, the frisky Shadow Leader of the House, demanding to know who had been defacing the dispatch box with heavy black felt-tip pen.

Mr Speaker crouched forward to see for himself. Looking down, I could see the skidmarks on the wooden box. Indeed they may be visible from space. Banksy will be jealous.

“It would appear, and I can see it from here, that the culprit strikes once a week,” noted Hunky Dunky, “and detectives have already noted that the gravest occurrence seems to be on Wednesday each week at around midday.”

Gordon Brown — vandal! Give that man an Asbo. Surely the Prime Minister should set an example and, in a high-visibility jacket marked “VANDAL”, clean up the marks he makes when he stabs the box, pen in hand, as he rages during PMQs?

But even as Harriet Harman ducked the question, Speaker Bercow’s attention was drawn back to his own speech. At the appointed hour he arose (he so needs a fanfare) and read it out. He told us that he is a very modern man. His election shows that MPs aspire to being as modern as he already is. His words rolled before us, each as well rounded as Humpty himself.

Speaker Bercow praised his three deputy speakers. I felt fear for them. Praise is as lethal as the guillotine in these circumstances. Speaker Bercow noted that in prehistoric times deputy speakers were appointed. But not now, Anno Bercow.

“In a modern democracy, which puts Parliament first, I am convinced that the choice of such office-holders should be determined not by consultation but by the process of election.”

The ballot would be in October. I had to admire him. This is the way that empires are built.

Mr Speaker, spent, left the chair for a well-deserved lie-down. But soon afterwards a bumptious Tory MP named Simon Burns popped up. He noted Mr Speaker’s ongoing hissy fit (I paraphrase) over announcements being made first to the press.

“So I am sure the Speaker is as concerned as I am that the statement he made today was actually a significant story on the BBC News website half an hour before, which suggests that it was leaked to the BBC!” This brought titters, then guffaws. Mr Burns suggested that Mr Speaker launch an immediate investigation into himself.

“You could not possibly expect me to comment,” said Deputy Speaker (as I write) Sir Alan Haselhurst. Out of sight, I heard a crash. Humpty Dumpty had had a great fall.

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