Bob Ainsworth is one of those people who should never rise above deputy. I am told that people are snobby about him but I am just confused. Every time I see him — and it happened again yesterday — I cannot believe that he is the Defence Secretary. How did this man, stodgy as porridge, inspiring as a cabbage, get the top job? It feels wrong, as if he were taking part in a job-swap reality TV programme that has gone horribly wrong.

On a day like yesterday, with Afghanistan the urgent subject, it feels almost unpatriotic to point this out. But there it is. Cometh the hour, cometh the man and in Mr Ainsworth we have a Bob Jobsworth. Apparently he is the first man with a moustache (not sure about the women) in the Cabinet for 40 years. This, I fear, is the most interesting thing about him.

The first question came from a wild-haired Tory, James Brokenshire, who began with a tribute to the fallen. “In those immortal words, for our tomorrows, they gave their todays.” Then he looked at Mr Ainsworth: “Why do you think the current helicopter cover is sufficient?”

The man masquerading as Defence Secretary said: “We have as we’ve said repeatedly seen a huge uplift in helicopter frames available to commanders and also helicopter hours. In the past few years, an 84 per cent increase. There will be more. By the end of the year we will have Merlin in theatre and we get the eight Chinook, some of them, out into theatre in 2010.”

What does it mean? In reality, on the ground? The date of 2010 echoed in the chamber. Uplift or no, it seemed for ever.

Now came a question from the lugubrious James Arbuthnot, the gloomiest man in Parliament and the Tory head of the Defence Select Committee. “When the Chancellor said the Ministry of Defence would not be short of money, what did he mean?”

The moustache bristled. I feared what was coming, for Mr Ainsworth cannot even explain what he thinks, much less someone else. Sure enough, this was his reply, verbatim: “He meant for example that he has lifted the UOR ceiling that was announced in December of 635 million to include another 101 million in order that we get the latest capability into theatre to deal with the UOR process. Everything that we need for this theatre we will present.”

Do you feel inspired? Even if you knew that UOR stood for Urgent Operational Requirements, would you? I watched in frustration. It’s not that Mr Ainsworth is not box office. It’s not that his flat Coventry accent is so banal, so nasal. It’s the words that irritate, smothering any meaning in layers of dough.

Liam Fox, who is shadowing his fourth Defence Secretary, looked like he might explode. “When the Government cut the helicopter budget in 2004 by £1.4 billion, was it a mistake?”

The Defence Secretary (I was beginning to believe it was him) now became Rambling Bob. “You go back to a decision that was taken some time ago,” he noted. “We have made great strides to increase helicopter availability and capability.” Mr Fox, steam coming out of ears, snapped: “I’ll take that as a yes.” He said people understood that in wars there were fatalities but what they didn’t understand was why we didn’t give our troops the best equipment, including helicopters.

Mr Ainsworth said that Mr Fox was asking for the impossible to be done. But surely, in many ways, that is what Afghanistan is all about. Let’s just hope the troops didn’t tune in.

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