IT WAS the end-of-the-pier show yesterday in the Commons, featuring the agonisingly bad stand-up act that is John Prescott and his faithful friend Chip. Now Chip (or, to give you his full name, Chip-on-the-Shoulder) has always been attached to Mr Prescott. But yesterday it become obvious that Chip is becoming increasingly dominant. In fact, Chip may be taking over.

There has been much speculation about what Mr Prescott actually does now that he no longer has a department, a mistress or a croquet lawn. Of course, he says that his days are bursting with activity. He is chairing more committees than anyone has ever done in the history of the world, plus he has been put in charge of serviette folding and other essential tableware policies.

It became clear yesterday that that is a smokescreen. In fact, Mr Prescott spends up to 18 hours a day plotting against his enemies who, he believes, include almost everyone but Chip. His staff find him, hunched over the computer, talking to Chip about how everyone is out to get him because he is working class.

It must be said that, judging from the Commons yesterday, this is more or less true. The first question, from the Lib Dem Norman Baker, was a request for a guest list for Dorneywood.

“That was a particularly cheap question,” said Mr Prescott, who then refused to tell us the answer. He snarled: “What you have done is confirmed your reputation for being famously boring.”

MPs began to cry: “Ohhhhhhh!” Mr Baker tried to laugh but, as he IS boring, he couldn’t because his face would break.

William Hague noted that, in croquet, when you have scored enough points you leave the game. “Isn’t it fairer to the British taxpayer if you were now removed from the game?”

Mr Prescott had a mad mallet moment. The croquet set had been bought by a Tory (Ken Clarke) and, he noted petulantly, Tories didn’t work so hard either. Some were probably at Ascot!

A loud sneering sound interrupted proceedings. “Shut your bloody gob!” shouted Dennis Skinner at Andrew Robathan on the Tory front bench. Mr Robathan, who had just told Mr Skinner that it was time for him to get his pension, smirked back. (New readers may like to know that Mr Robathan has a feud with Mr Prescott over something that happened in the tearoom centuries ago and that Mr Skinner used to share a flat with Mr Prescott.)

“Tell him to shut his bloody mouth!” cried Mr Skinner at the Speaker who admonished him to calm down “He started it!” cried Mr Skinner.

The Speaker chided him: “You are getting very childish.”

Getting? That was the understatement of the day. But then Mr Prescott and Chip tried to be even more childish. They taunted Mr Hague about not keeping his website up to date (apparently it still says that he is the Tory leader). Isn’t that pathetic?

The Tory MP Peter Bone then asked the Deputy Prime Minister whether it wasn’t time for him to give up his grace-and-favour flat. Mr Prescott noted that Mr Bone looked like the England manager (whom Mr Prescott referred to as “Swen”.) “He worked for a modelling agency but I believe he didn’t have any bookings!” cried the DPM.

The session ended with Mr Prescott ranting: “I own one house and that has always been the case, like one car not two cars, we just live with the image presented to us by the press . . .”

See what I mean by Chip taking over? Surely this cannot go on.

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