THE Tories were determined that there should be a statement on Afghanistan. The Government did not want to make one. The Speaker ruled that there must be a statement. And so there was, though it hardly seemed real.

The Secretary of State for Defence was busy elsewhere and it seemed like a play rehearsal gone wrong. The result was a shambles. If you weren’t worried about Afghanistan before, you were afterwards.

Des Browne was the Defence Secretary the last time I checked. He couldn’t be in the Commons yesterday as he was in his Scottish constituency doing his surgery, a marginally better excuse than being at the dentist or having his hair cut.

What was he thinking? Any ten-year-old could have figured out that fears were running high and a statement was likely. After the death of two British soldiers, it seemed just plain wrong that he wasn’t there.

The boy who stood in for him was Tom Watson. He is a junior minister, more junior than minister, and the summons forced him to break off from his paper-round (he was supposed to be at a meeting about speeding up post to troops). Instead he had to cram up on the Bluffer’s Guide to our Mission in Afghanistan. His manner is that of a downmarket Billy Bunter. Jack Straw sat next to him, telling him everything he should say.

The statement was worrying because Mr Watson kept insisting there was nothing to worry about. He paid tribute to those who had died but then switched his tone. The mission was going to plan. One felt that the word “tickety-boo” lurked close to his lips (or would have been if Jack wasn’t moving them).

I do not think Alice in Wonderland could have done a better job at pretending everything was something it wasn’t. The generals were happy or at least they hadn’t said they weren’t. “Ministers have not received requests for increased capacity but, if they do, it will be taken seriously and immediately,” Mr Watson said, about 100 times.

He kept saying our mission was clear. This is always a sign that we are in deepest mud. He must have lost his Post-It note with the mission statement on because he kept adding to it as he went along.

Here is an edited version of what we are doing: eradicating the poppy trade, helping Afghans to “build capacity”; winning hearts and minds, fighting the Taleban, making sure Afghanistan is never again a training ground for terrorism.

One Labour MP used the Vietnam word. Others spoke of their unease more guardedly. All MPs wanted to be patriotic but they were worried that we were up a creek without a paddle. Mr Watson assured them that we knew exactly what we were doing. It made everyone feel very uneasy indeed.

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