Supporters of Tony Blair (wrote the political editor of The Times yesterday) are worried that his leadership bandwagon is racing out of control. There are fears that Tory enthusiasm and media "hype'' for Mr Blair might antagonise traditionalists in the Labour Party.

This is disturbing. Those of us who wish Tony well must act fast. As both an ex-Tory MP and a columnist, this sketchwriter must be as close as you can get to an Identikit picture of the sort of supporter Blair can do without.

In fact to improve his street-cred with the appalling types with unwashed hair, CND badges and training shoes who characterise his party's activists, I can best assist him by attacking him. Here, then, is a thoroughly nasty column about Tony Blair: Twenty-seven bad things you didn't know about the next Leader of the Labour Party (oops! Sorry).

He has terrible teeth

Blair casts himself as EU president candidate

Speaking on French TV, Tony Blair sang the praises of the EU and sketched his agenda for its future, all in fluent French

Multimedia

• The Blair years: video, pictures and analysis

• Interactive Blair Timeline

• BlairTube

Background

• The past decade a disaster?

• All about Iraq? Don’t you believe it

• I’ll give Blair six and a half out of ten

Multimedia

• Blair fashion gallery

• Cherie Blair picture gallery

• Brookes on Blair

He looks like a vampire

It is not true that Tony Blair is attractive to women. He's too pretty. He's a man's idea of a man who attracts women. Seven out of nine women in the Westminster Press Gallery do not fancy Tony Blair. Gordon Brown scores four

He went to public school

He went to Oxford

His dad became a Tory

He smiles too much

He cannot possibly be as nice as he seems. All politicians must rise through a nasty political process, work with nasty people in nasty parties, and prosper. He has. He must be pretending to be nice

He cannot lack a simple ambition for office, as he claims. He must be lying

He has never held down any job in Government

He spends too much time on his hair

He looks like a prototype for something, but nobody is sure what

Nobody had heard of him before 1992

He may be a Vulcan. This man is too good to be true. I believe that military strategists on the planet Vulcan, having infiltrated into Westminster an early attempt at an Earthling politician, John Redwood, have now learnt from the mistakes in this design. They have sent an improved version, with added charm. He has pointed ears

He probably approves of Cliff Richard

He may be Cliff Richard

The Tories will say he's a boy sent to do a man's job

Richard Littlejohn supports him

He used to wear flares

He was almost certainly a fan of Peter, Paul and Mary; the New Seekers; the Carpenters; Bucks Fizz; Abba ...

He probably listens to Classic FM, now

His father was a lawyer

Tony Blair is the next leader of the Labour Party (oops!) but he could just as well have been the leader of the Conservative Party or the Social Democratic Party or the Liberal Party or the Green Party, or Archbishop of Canterbury, or a progressive missionary, or in charge of Bob Geldof's PR, or

director of a major charity, or chairman of English Heritage, or general secretary of a small, service-sector trade union, or a management consultant, or King Herod, or manager of a small plastics factory in Enfield where he is also sidesman in the local church and takes his daughters to pony classes in a newish Volvo

He wears pastel suits

He reminds us of Bill Clinton

If he had ever smoked marijuana he would not have inhaled

He doesn't fool me.

Hope this helps, Tony ...

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