Supporters of Tony Blair (wrote the political editor of The Times yesterday) are worried that his leadership bandwagon is racing out of control. There are fears that Tory enthusiasm and media "hype'' for Mr Blair might antagonise traditionalists in the Labour Party.

This is disturbing. Those of us who wish Tony well must act fast. As both an ex-Tory MP and a columnist, this sketchwriter must be as close as you can get to an Identikit picture of the sort of supporter Blair can do without.

In fact to improve his street-cred with the appalling types with unwashed hair, CND badges and training shoes who characterise his party's activists, I can best assist him by attacking him. Here, then, is a thoroughly nasty column about Tony Blair: Twenty-seven bad things you didn't know about the next Leader of the Labour Party (oops! Sorry).

He has terrible teeth

He looks like a vampire

It is not true that Tony Blair is attractive to women. He's too pretty. He's a man's idea of a man who attracts women. Seven out of nine women in the Westminster Press Gallery do not fancy Tony Blair. Gordon Brown scores four

He went to public school

He went to Oxford

His dad became a Tory

He smiles too much

He cannot possibly be as nice as he seems. All politicians must rise through a nasty political process, work with nasty people in nasty parties, and prosper. He has. He must be pretending to be nice

He cannot lack a simple ambition for office, as he claims. He must be lying

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