Boris turns on Portsmouth

Perhaps Boris Johnson just likes getting out of London.

Following on from the “Liverpool problems” of 2004, the Tory Higher Education spokesman has now used his regular column in GQ magazine to describe Portsmouth as “one of the most depressing [places] in southern England” and “full of drugs, obesity and under-achievement”.

Portsmouth, poor old inoffensive Portsmouth, rather minds. “He is just a Tory toff who has no idea about how people live,” says Mike Hancock, the Liberal Democrat MP for Portsmouth South. “Cameron should sack him straight away as it is an insult to have someone privileged such as Johnson telling ordinary working-class people that they are no good.”

Instead, David Cameron may well send Boris off on another trip, to eat another portion of humble pie. While Portsmouth South is a safe Lib Dem seat, boundary changes have given the Tories a small lead in next-door Portsmouth North. It looked like a dead cert for next time. Until now.

Church groups in New York are widely reported to have been upset by Cosimo Cavallaro’s life-sized chocolate statue of Jesus, dubbed My Sweet Lord, which is soon to go on display in Manhattan.

“This is one of the worst assaults on Christian sensibilities ever,” says Bill Donohue, head of the Catholic League.

Possibly. Although it is also very possible that Cavallaro got the idea from Chocolate Jesus, by the gravel-voiced singer Tom Waits. Only last month, Waits was hailed for his “authentic songs devoid of vanity and false illusions” by the, um, Vatican.

Hello? Is that the Iranian Embassy at 16 Princes Gate? We spoke yesterday. Today, we’d like to order some flowers. Yes. From the florist’s stand at Paddington station. Tulips maybe.

Yes, that’s right. Paddington station. Hmm? Nothing to do with you? 1.7 nautical miles away? Oh. Well, what if we locked the flower seller in a room and spent a day persuading her to confess that, actually, your embassy is in Paddington station too? Wouldn’t that help? No? Not even if we filmed it?

Ah well. Suit yourself. Shame. Maybe we’ll talk tomorrow.

Keira Knightley needed a “foot double” while filming her new film Atonement. According to Closer magazine, her natural feet were too “big and veiny” for the director’s tastes. A bit like Gollum’s, maybe. “She thought it was really funny,” said a loyal onset source.

If you haven’t yet — and we would strongly advise you to do so — try to catch a radio broadcast of Tony Blair campaigning in Scotland. Like any secret Scot, his Anglicised voice goes quite peculiar. On Good Morning Scotland on Radio 4 yesterday he sounded a bit like Victor Meldrew.

At the start of the Liberal Democrats’ local election campaign yesterday (stay with us here, no dozing off at the back), the big theme was climate change, with much chat about recycling and carbon-efficient housing.

Unfortunate, then, that hacks arriving at their Cowley Street HQ were greeted by a big felt-tip sign on the door that read: “Leave the lights on. Thank you. Mary.”

Postscript

Snorting his father’s ashes; brain surgery; burying the doctor who said that he had six months to live — it can only be an interview with Keith Richards. The Rolling Stones guitarist also tells NME why the Arctic Monkeys and Bloc Party are rubbish and criticises Pete Doherty’s drug-taking (ummm).

On the unlikely substance abuse, he said: “He was cremated and I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn’t have cared, he didn’t give a s***. It went down pretty well, and I’m still alive.” Unlike his father, Bert, who died in 2002 aged 84.

Oh, and he manages to get a plug in for the upcoming European leg of the Rolling Stones tour. No anodyne, dull PR-led piece there then.

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