Can Tony turn it up to 11?

Just imagine that forced rictus smile of pleasure. Shortly before their press conference yesterday, we understand that Arnold Schwarzenegger presented Tony Blair with a guitar, his second in two days after the one he was given by Labour MPs and peers. How many guitars does the PM now have?

“We don’t count,” snaps the Downing Street press office, after a mere four phone calls.

We do. In 1997, Tony arrived at his new home with an acoustic guitar in a battered case. He also owned a Fender Stratocaster. Since then, others have been presented by Bono, Fender, Mexico, Romania, Bryan Adams and the British Phonographic Industry.

Making, we believe, a total of ten. Of course, under ministerial guidelines, most of these will have to stay at No 10. Wherever will Gordon put them all?

As retailers struggle to unload Tony Blair masks, we are told that there is, thus far, an almost total lack of masks of Gordon Brown, with retailers being told by manufacturers that they fear lack of demand, and (crushingly) a limited product shelf life.

Similar impertinence from the great British institution of Madame Tussauds. We understand that there is no Gordon Brown waxwork and nor is one yet planned. Internal policy (as seen with John Major) dictates that prime ministers have to win an election before being included. Yet another reason to bring one forward?

Official sources used to put Tony Blair at 6ft tall and Arnold Schwarzenegger at 6ft 2in. However, during Arnie’s election in California, speculation erupted that he was actually 5ft 10in. His official height was subsequently readjusted to 6ft, the same as Blair. Certainly, the pair’s heads were level as they stood outside Downing Street yesterday. But the feet? We suspect both lifts and tip toes to have been at work.

As the reign of the Iron Chancellor ends (in one respect), the Scottish comedian Janey Godley tells us of serving him in a Glasgow pub during the 1992 election. Standing a round, Gordon bought ten pints (at £1.40) and four whiskies (at £1.50) and didn’t expect any change from £30. Worrying.

Hats off to Hugo Swire, Conservative MP for East Devon, and farmer. At a recent charity fundraiser, one of his prize large black pigs was auctioned for £10,000. This, Swire’s staff assure us, is a Guinness World record-breaking price for a pig. We have no reason to believe that they are telling porkies.

Postscript

— The leftover dust from the grinding of the many, many diamonds on Damien Hirst’s jewelled skull is, we are told, to be used in a “triptych silkscreen” piece called Crucifixion, by the artist Mat Collishaw. Waste not, want not.

— The organisers of the European President’s Dinner 2007 are doing their utmost to lure guests to their classy bash in, um, Brussels Airport. The invitation boasting that they will be welcoming “almost ALL Belgian prime ministers”. Almost? How upset you would be if you went all that way and your favourite Belgian prime minister wasn’t even there? .

— Will Tom Cruise go ahead with his portrayal of Hitler's would-be assassin, Claus von Stauffenberg, despite Germany reportedly banning him from military bases? The real Von Stauffenberg had one eye, one hand, two fingers on the other hand, and was 6ft 3in (1.92m) tall. Every actor likes a challenge.

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