David Lister, Scotland Correspondent
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“BUPA takes over failing NHS terror cell,” declared the headline in yesterday’s Daily Mash above a picture of a startled-looking man in a black balaclava.
“Private healthcare firm Bupa is being parachuted in to take control of the NHS’s failing British terror campaign,” said the story. It added: “Dr Stephen Malley, head of Bupa’s NHS task force, said: ‘The NHS terrorists are good people with good intentions and they are doing their best to incinerate themselves and the public in very difficult circumstances. But it is clear they need private sector expertise. There is too much red tape and form-filling involved in NHS fanaticism. We will outsource that work to a call centre in Pakistan and let terrorist doctors be terrorist doctors.’”
During a week that has seen their airport targeted by suicide bombers and their city turned into the latest battleground in the global war on terror, the people of Glasgow have fought back with their own unique weapon: black humour. The stories on the Daily Mash, an online satirical newspaper based in Scotland, speak volumes about the ability of Glaswegians to laugh in the face of adversity.
Within hours of a Jeep Cherokee being driven into the terminal building at Glasgow Airport last Saturday, the website was attracting visitors from around the world.
Reporting that the UK terror threat level had been raised from “spacehopper” to “underpants”, the Mash’s first reaction was a story posted on Sunday under the headline “airport attackers to be charged under antismoking laws”. It read: “Two men who drove a lit car into the main concourse at Glasgow Airport are to be charged under Scotland’s tough antismoking laws. The attackers were caught on CCTV as they lit up a Jeep Cherokee and then allowed it to burn in an enclosed public space.”
Over the past week a steady stream of stories – including “bomb doctors struck off for working Saturdays” and “London bomb ‘not scary enough’, Brown tells MI5” – has given the website a fivefold increase in visitors to around 50,000.
Written in the finest tradition of satirical news websites, its postings over the past few days have combined sharp writing with a peculiarly Glasgow touch. On Monday it had 25,000 visitors, with about half from the US, as people from across the world clamoured for a taste of Glasgow’s gallows humour. Its readers’ forum page includes the posting: “spares/repair: L-reg Jeep Cherokee, needs paint, no battery, gas conversion, charcoal interior, tinted windows. . . bargain £2,500, will exchange for air miles.”
Paul Stokes, the Mash’s co-editor, said: “It helps that nobody died in the attack, but within hours people were laughing and joking. We’re supposed to be terrified by these people [the attackers] but to be honest they’re a joke.”
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Mark from DC,
Just after the 2005 bombings in London this joke was doing the rounds
A suicide bomber goes into a camping equipment shop and tries on a rucksack. He asks the assistant "Does my bomb look big in this?".
Sorry but Scottish, English, in fact all British people, have what we call a 'sense of humour', even when we are 'AT WAR'. Face it mate, we all die eventually so why take anything seriously? Terrorism is a fact of life, get over yourself.
Nick, London,
Mark, I realise your intentions were good and your concern real. However, you must learn to accept that there are many, many, many things in this world that people in the United States just don't understand. Oh, and pray to learn the one lesson that seems so hard for Americans - when to let a thought be unspoken.
John Blackley, Austin, TX, USA
Marc, Britain is not at war. America with its simple cowboys and Indians mindset may wish to think it is and has dragged us into the morally untenable geo-political quagmire of Iraq.
America also funded the IRA here for 30 years. Unlike America we know what it is to be invaded and bombed for five years in WWII and we know how to live with terrorists and manage terrorism without advice from those who don't.
John , LONDON,
When will Britain realize it is at war?.....
Well we,had the IRA, some German fellows, the French, oh Spanish chaps, Vikings too and more no doubt. and thats just the "home matches"..when will we realise Mark ? We're British mate, life goes on ,we are just not afraid.
Neil , Peterhead, Scotland
Marc, the DC chap: Historically, your side of the pond hasn't displayed an overwhelming degree of promptness in the whole getting-on-board-with-a-war thing. Don't fret so -- these things tend to sort themselves out.
David Masu, Zürich,
Mark of DC, Yes we are at war, and have been for many years. Struggling with the US funded IRA and now against US provoked groups. Maybe we should really explore the ways of reducing the threats by exploring the reasons the threats exist.
Graham, Warwickshire, England
Thank you, Mark of DC. Locking up people for years without trial, without formal indication of charges, without access to legal advice, contravening all precepts of international law and human rights is a FAR better response to terrorism, of course.
Eleanor, Sèvres, France
Yes it does help "that nobody died in the attack".
But what about next time?
When will Britain realize it is at war?
Mark, DC, USA