J.K. Rowling and the forces of evil

Harry Potter makes do with a bunch of freaks armed with twigs. J.K. Rowling is calling in some more serious security. At her side, as the final Harry Potter book is published, will be a team of former SAS soldiers.

Rowling is to be interviewed on Monday by Meredith Viera, from the American NBC television channel. Despite Viera being virtually unknown here, the channel has decided that her meeting with Rowling will make a dangerously tempting terrorist target.

The heavy mob are employees of Pilgrims Security and, although Muggles to a man, are veterans of Afghanistan and Iraq.

“Our teams,” declares a Pilgrims representative, “are used to operating in the most extreme and hostile situations.” Still, we bet that not one of them can turn into a dog.

BBC staff at Panorama are fretting that, like so much else, the programme may be sliding downmarket. We are told that a meeting was held recently to discuss a mooted Iraq special. One team member thoughtfully suggested interviewing Robin Cook, noting that he had been awfully quiet for ages. Cue awkward silence.

Ever keen to make time for little ones, Gordon Brown played host to a group of Welsh schoolchildren, from Pontllanfraith Comprehensive School, yesterday. The Prime Minister, most likely speaking in his special soft “children” voice, gave a tour of Downing Street and held a brief Q&A session (sample question: “Does the door to Downing Street open both ways?”) Afterwards, a nearby hack asked the children what new facts they had learnt. “He’s Scottish,” mused one. “I didn’t know that.” All that waving of the Union Flag is evidently paying off.

Pete Doherty must feel very relieved. Kate Moss, his former girlfriend, is only the world’s second-richest supermodel, according to Forbes.com. Moss earned a paltry $9 million (£4 million) last year, thanks to her Topshop clothing line and a range of modelling contracts. Gisele Bündchen, on the other boney hand, is reported to have netted about $33 million (£16 million) in the past 12 months, thanks to contracts with Victoria’s Secret, Dolce & Gabbana and Roberto Cavalli. We doubt that either of them will be spending it on cake.

Pierce Brosnan, the former James Bond actor, is the new voice of Thomas the Tank Engine. Brosnan, who follows in the tracks of Ringo Starr, will narrate the latest series of Thomas & Friends. He will make his debut on DVD in The Great Discovery, to be released in autumn next year. “Pay attention 007! You don’t want to eject in a tunnel . . .”

The first debate for three years on the dire state of Zimbabwe in the Commons yesterday, and neither David Miliband (our new Foreign Secretary) nor William Hague (his shadow) bother to turn up. Miliband sent Meg Munn, a junior minister, in his place. Asked where her boss was, Munn vaguely cited Russian problems. In fact, he was preparing a more media-friendly speech at Chatham House. According to the Tories, meanwhile, Hague (who has the highest income in Parliament) was “away on business”. The words “open goal” spring to mind. And the word “shameful”.

Postscript

Hot news, this. Russell Brand, the comic whose appearance on our screens always makes us think there must be an unattended market stall somewhere in Camden, spent £150 on a chocolate, ahem, organ as a gift for his fellow comic, David Walliams. It happened in November but the Tewkesbury-based chocolatier has only now broken her silence. “I thought that they were dating or something,” said the rather wonderfully named Prudence Staite.

— He was never the most macho on the front line in the battle against alien invasion, but now David Duchovny, the X-Files star, has revealed the depth of his sensitive side. He tells US style mag InStyle that he loves a bit of Barry Manilow on his iPod. “I love Brandy,” he says confusingly, before adding, “No wait, it’s Mandy.” Easy mistake to make with Barry Manilow. Many of us can only enjoy Mandy after an awful lot of brandy.

— According to details released under the Freedom of Information Act, Tony Blair and Rupert Murdoch, the News Corporation chairman, spoke three times in the run-up to the invasion of Iraq. One of those conversations took place on March 11. What could they have been discussing? The marriage of Napoleon (March 11, 1810)? The succession of Mikhail Gorbachev (March 11, 1985)? Or the birth of Rupert Murdoch (March 11, 1931?)

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