The mother of Madeleine McCann has apologised to her absent daughter, saying
she is “desperately sorry” for leaving her alone on the night she was
abducted.
She also revealed some of the little girl’s last words to her — and that her
toddler brother and sister still talk of Madeleine.
Kate McCann, 38, was speaking last week nearly 100 days after the
four-year-old was taken from the family’s holiday apartment on the Algarve.
It was the first time she had given an interview without her husband Gerry.
The tension showed on her face as she described the regret still plaguing
her.
“I feel desperately sorry that we weren’t there for her,” said Kate. “Every
hour now I still question, ‘Why did I think that was safe?’”
She recalled how happy Madeleine had been during the holiday, particularly at
the children’s club where she played.
“Madeleine had a ball. They did swimming, went on a little boat, went to a
beach, did lots of colouring in and face painting,” said Kate.
“On the evening before she went missing, before she went to bed, she said,
‘Mummy, I’ve had the best day ever. I’m having lots of fun.’
“They had a little dance prepared for Friday.”
Her voice dropped to a whisper as she added: “I don’t know what it was. I
never got to see it.”
On that evening, Thursday, May 3, Kate and Gerry left their three children in
the apartment while they went for dinner at a nearby tapas bar in the
beach-side complex at the resort of Praia de Luz.
They were 20 yards from the villa and checked on the children every half hour,
she said.
But when she returned at about 9pm she found Madeleine had gone. She
immediately realised she had been abducted.
“I never thought for one second that she’d walked out. I knew someone had been
in the apartment because of the way it had been left. There wasn’t a shadow
of a doubt in my mind she’d been taken.
“There was about 20 seconds of disbelief when I thought, ‘That can’t be
right.’ I was checking for her. Then there was panic and fear. I was
screaming her name. I ran to the group. Everyone was the same; it was just
total fear.”
Ever since then she has had to confront the guilt of knowing that, if she had
not left her children on their own, Madeleine would not have vanished.
“I’ve gone through all my life and said I never want to have any regrets, but
you can’t not regret something like that,” she said. “But it did feel safe
and it did feel right. Maybe it was because it was family-friendly. That
week we had left them alone while we had dinner.
“I can’t describe how much I love Madeleine. If I’d had to think for one
second, ‘Should we have dinner and leave them?’ I wouldn’t have done it.”
She has found that other mothers understand her mistake.
“I’ve had so many letters from mothers, really kind words. People have said,
‘Kate, we’ve done this a hundred times over ourselves. Why would you for one
minute think this would happen?’”
The letters have helped her to keep perspective.
“It is important not to lose sight of the fact we haven’t committed a crime.
Somebody has. Somebody’s been there; somebody’s been watching. You don’t
expect a predator to break in and take your daughter out of bed.” Kate, who
has stayed in Portugal since the abduction, was speaking in the town of
Lagos, a 10-minute drive from the scene of the crime.
As she spoke, she clutched her daughter’s pink toy cat. Around her neck was a
silver locket containing a picture of the four-year-old and engraved with
the words “Tower of Strength”.
The loss of Madeleine is all the more painful for her because she was a
desperately wanted child conceived using IVF.
“When we were trying for a baby and it wasn’t happening, it was really hard.
When I got pregnant with Madeleine it was just fantastic,” Kate said.
“It was a really uncomplicated pregnancy. I had no sickness, nothing. It was
so easy. I swam every day until the day she was born, to keep us both
healthy.
“I didn’t know I was having a girl until she was born. There she was, perfect.
She was lovely, she had the most beautiful face. It made it even more
special that she was a girl. It took us by surprise.”
By comparison with the easy pregnancy, the first six months of Madeleine’s
life were difficult; yet her mother became noticeably more relaxed as she
immersed herself in those early memories.
“She had very bad colic and cried about 18 hours a day. She had to be picked
up all the time, so I spent many a day dancing round the living room holding
Madeleine. I remember trying to butter my toast with one hand and holding
her in the other.”
Madeleine’s independent streak emerged at an early stage. “She’s always had
bags of personality, even as a baby she was quite determined and
independent,” said Kate.
When Madeleine was two Kate gave birth to twins, Sean and Amelie. The memory
of the siblings’ first meeting brought Kate close to tears.
“When the time came to bring Madeleine in, it was in the evening,” she said.
“She came in and . . . just her little face. She sat with the twins for the
first time and it was lovely.”
For both Gerry and Kate, their campaign to raise awareness of Madeleine’s
disappearance is a source of hope. But she finds the pressure of life in the
public eye hard. While Gerry has answered questions with the skill of a
seasoned public speaker, Kate has struggled.
“I hate publicity, interviews, anything like that. I just hate it,” she said.
“I just go through the motions. Any parent would do anything they could for
their child. We’re just doing the best thing for Madeleine.
“Some people say the publicity will be harmful, that she’ll be hidden away
because of it. But what can you do, just sit and do nothing?”
She revealed: “I still have moments of panic and fear. I do go back to those
dark moments. It would be abnormal never to touch on them. But it’s not
about me, it’s not about Gerry, it’s about Madeleine.”
The twins provide a measure of normality. They are happy in each other’s
company; but they show they are aware of Madeleine’s absence. Such moments
are crippling for Kate.
“When we went back to the UK for a family baptism there was an empty seat on
the plane and Sean said, ‘That’s Madeleine’s seat.’ That caught me, she
said.
“It was a very emotional day. Amelie asked me afterwards, ‘Where’s Madeleine?
I miss my sister?’ It catches me.”
How are she and Gerry coping? “I think we’re stronger than ever,” said Kate.
“We don’t row; we have communication.”
Kate, a locum GP, and Gerry, a consultant cardiologist, have no plans to
return to work or the family home in Rothley, Leicestershire, without
Madeleine.
“We have so many happy memories of that house. Madeleine’s room is a shocking
pink. She chose the colour. At the moment we’re staying and we feel happier
staying. We are closer to the investigation.
“Some of that might be mad; I don’t know. We don’t know where Madeleine is; we
don’t think she’s in the UK.”
The police investigation is showing little sign of progress. Last week a child
therapist in the Belgian town of Tongeren claimed she had seen Madeleine
with a couple in a restaurant. While police said the witness was “credible”,
there have been dozens of similar — and fruitless — sightings.
The couple plan to use the 100-day anniversary of Madeleine’s disappearance
next Saturday to raise awareness of the plight of abducted children across
the world. But Kate hopes the anniversary will not need marking.
“I’m still hoping we’re not going to get there,” she said.
“Every day I’m hoping we won’t get to the next day without her. It’s a long
time, but we have to keep going for Madeleine.”
The McCanns may one day have another child, she said, but not while Madeleine
is missing.
“It takes time and I’m not getting any younger,” Kate said. But “Madeleine is
irreplaceable. I want her back. We just have to wait and see what life has
in store for us”.
What would she say to Madeleine if she could get a message to her now? “ “I’d
tell her we love her. She knows we’re looking for her, that we’re doing
absolutely everything and we’ll never give up.”
Eleanor Mills is haunted by
the McCanns’ experience.
Murat: new raid
Police investigating the disappearance of Madeleine McCann yesterday raided
the home of Robert Murat, the chief suspect, for a second time, write
Steven Swinford and Brendan de Beer.
Two British detectives and about 10 Portuguese officers arrived at the villa
owned by Murat’s mother Jenny in Praia da Luz at 7am yesterday.
They spent the day clearing undergrowth and cutting down trees on the property
as they prepared to conduct a forensic search of the garden. Guilhermino
Encarnacao, director of the judicial police in the Faro region and head of
the investigation, refused to rule out the possibility that the garden would
be dug up.
He emphasised, however, that the searches were “strictly procedural”. He said:
“This is not a spur of the moment thing — it is something we have been
thinking about doing for some time.”
Murat initially refused to allow the detectives entry to the property without
the presence of his lawyer. He then spent the day away from the house, but
returned in the afternoon, while his mother stayed with a family friend.
Murat was declared a suspect 10 days after Madeleine was last seen, on May 3,
but has strongly denied any involvement in her disappearance. His house is
about 100 yards from where Madeleine’s family was staying.
The search comes as police investigate a possible sighting of Madeleine in
Tongeren, Belgium. They are conducting DNA tests on a bottle and straw to
find out if she was the girl seen sipping a milkshake in a bar last
Saturday.
