An embarrassing admission

Oh dear. People’s first day back after a break, and already an apology.

On Tuesday this page reported, perhaps a little dismissively, that David Shayler (the whistle-blowing ex-MI5 officer) had declared himself the reincarnation of Jesus Christ, King Arthur and Leonardo da Vinci.

Shayler himself now gets in touch to set the record straight. “I’m afraid I didn’t claim to have been Jesus or to be ‘divine’, as you suggest,” he writes, patiently. “The Jesus of the New Testament is an archetype. His name derives from the 13th Name of God in Qabalah, which helps activate the Messiah consciousness within us. I was, though, crucified with a crown of thorns and nails when incarnated as Astronges, a Jewish revolutionary put to death by the Romans at around the end of the last century BC . . . It would therefore be good karma for you to correct the wrong impressions you have given in your article.”

Obviously this is a different claim entirely, and not nuts at all. We do apologise for any embarrassment caused.

Samantha Morton is expecting a baby with her husband, the film-maker Harry Holm. The British actress, who won Oscar nominations for Sweet and Lowdown and In America, already has a seven-year-old daughter, Esme, from a relationship with the actor Charlie Creed-Miles.

The England and France rugby teams meet for a “friendly” at Twickenham on Saturday. Will James Purnell, the new(ish) Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport be making an appearance? Bernard Laporte, the head coach of the French team and a former rugby player, is to become Purnell’s counterpart in the new French Government after the rugby World Cup next month. Their “Government of all the talents” does seem rather more talented than ours.

The Liberal Democrats are keen to make hay out of the foot-and-mouth crisis. On Sunday, with attention on the laboratory at Pirbright, Chris Huhne, the environment spokesman, and Sue Doughty, the local parliamentary candidate, dropped by for a dynamic briefing. On leaving, both were told to avoid visiting farms for the next five days. There goes a week of photo opportunities.

Pity Darren Lyons, the paparazzo-in-chief and boss of the Big Pictures agency, who arrived with friends at Goodwood Ladies’ Day last week, only to be refused entry. “Jeans aren’t allowed and you have to wear a tie at the very least, sir,” said the doorman, noting his sparkly jeans and pink, flowery blazer, which matched his hair. His friends went in. He went home.

In April last year, as most will remember – and he, remarkably, claims to – Keith Richards fell out of a coconut tree in Fiji. The Rolling Stones guitarist was airlifted to New Zealand, spent two weeks in hospital, had holes drilled in his skull and underwent brain surgery. A year on he is interviewed in Mojo magazine. Q: “How do you feel about the accident now you’ve had a year to reflect on it?” A: “I don’t sit in trees anymore.”

A stroke of genius at the website harrypotterpublicenlightenmentproject.com. These T-shirts tell the entire plot of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in a mere eight sentences. “So many questions! So many twists! So much money!” says the website. “For some Muggles, the suspense is too much. We are a privately funded foundation, helping alleviate anxiety by presenting useful plot information in a readily accessible format.”

Do be sure to wear yours near a school.

Postscript

— Jennifer Lopez has been awarded $545,000 (£268,000) damages against her first husband for claiming that the 36-year-old actress, singer, dancer, songwriter and fashion designer also found time to have several affairs. Ojani Noa, 31, makes the claim in a tell-all book that hasn’t even been published — and never will be now. Noa was also ordered to give her all material relating to the book.

— We learn of the desperate measures taken by David Bailey to avoid National Service. He tells Vogue that he was advised that nutmeg would make his heart go faster. “So I sucked a nutmeg for three f***ing days, stayed up for three nights. And they said, ‘You're all right, you can go’. I was so pissed off! I tried to make out I was gay as well.” At least he’s honest. About being dishonest.

— All hail the police officers of Kent, the unsung heroes of the Tour de France. The Chief Constable, Michael Fuller, said that saboteurs peppered the county’s narrow lanes with tacks. Every spare officer was deployed to run around and pick them up.

— At the Special Memory Chapel in Las Vegas, Melanie Janine Brown, of Leeds, aka Spice Girl Mel B, aka Scary Spice, married Stephen Brian Belafonte, film-maker of Los Angeles, on June 6. Eddie Murphy, the Hollywood actor, did not attend.

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