Balls the bully? Eat your words

As the Secretary of State for Children, Schools and Families, Ed Balls is about to launch Anti-Bullying Week. Baffling, then, to hear of him berating a waitress on a GNER train in a manner that one might describe as “bullying”.

“We’ve been racking our brains to figure out when this could have been,” says a spokesman for Balls. “There was a conversation on a train about what was available in the dining car, but it is nonsense to say there was any shouting.”

By contrast, our source remembers Balls and a female companion ordering lunch in a dining car, and being told that everything was sold out.

“What do you mean?” he allegedly thundered. “This is a dining car and it’s lunch time! What do you mean there’s nothing left?”

“He was very, very angry,” adds our source. “Spluttering. Outraged. The waitress offered to find some biscuits and cheese. Balls said: ‘Don’t you know who I am?’ She said: ‘No’.”

Larry Page, co-founder of Google and Silicon Valley’s richest bachelor, is to marry his girlfriend, Lucy Southworth, at an undisclosed location next month. Al Gore, the former US Vice-President, has been invited, but unfortunately will be in Oslo, accepting the Nobel Peace Prize. “On the list of excuses, that was acceptable,” Gore says. He hopes instead to make an appearance by video conference.

Hmm. Up north, Alex Salmond rolls his bonkers eyes and decrees that Scotland will be independent by 2017. Down south, on the very same day, Margaret Hodge, at the Department for Culture, Media and Sport, announces an export ban on the only surviving copy of the death warrant for Mary Queen of Scots, signed by Elizabeth I in 1587. Coincidence? Or a gentle reminder of the way things used to work?

The Conservative press machine lumbers into action after our report yesterday that David Cameron claimed at a charity party to be the 77th Sexiest Man in Britain when, according to a survey by New Woman in 2007, he was actually only 87th. Their first suggestion is that he meant a different year. Nice try. In 2006, he was 92nd. “Oh look,” they sigh. “It was late in the day and . . .” Stop there. We quite understand. It’s late, he’s tired, he has a few drinks and starts feeling more sexy than he really is. Hey, we’ve all done it.

Peculiar subtitles, as seen on Sky News at lunchtime, as the presenter spoke of developments in Pakistan. “Imran Khan,” we were told, “has been arrested and charged with turnip activity.” Turnip activity? What an outradish accusation. The poor swede man. Do they think he is the root of all evil? Etc etc.

Ben Stiller, along with Matthew Perry, Lisa Kudrow and others, joined a Writers Guild of America picket in Los Angeles to support the screenwriters’ strike. When asked to comment, all three presumably said “. . .”

An intriguing sighting of Boris Johnson, as reported in the London listings magazine Time Out. “At the opening of St Pancras International,” it begins, “mayoral hopeful Boris Johnson remained resolutely teetotal with a glass of orange juice. He was overheard explaining: ‘I’ve got to be healthy for the campaign, so I’ve not had a drink since September’.” Admirable if you think about it a little, but terrifying if you think about it a lot.

Postscript

We would never call actors narcissistic. Never. But we couldn’t help noticing that Sir Ian McKellen is dreaming up plans for a musical about his own life. He wants Justin Timberlake to take the lead role. “He vaguely resembles people in my family,” Gandalf’s alter ego explains.

Victoria Beckham tells Heat magazine that, while at home, her husband David loves nothing more than acting out the role of a (slightly camp) football pitch groundsman. “He vacuums in straight lines, in a pinny. If anyone walks around after, he gets funny,” she says.

Being “original” is taxing, says Harper’s Bazaar, who asked Jane Birkin for a guide to pepping up December. She suggests visiting your local sewers, putting some potpourri in your pocket and taking a moment to think about Aung San Suu Kyi, the Burmese dissident. Which, as a list, is not arbitrary at all.

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