Big hand for Gordon Brown — or else

A very nasty rumour creeping out of Basra, concerning Gordon Brown’s visit to Iraq last week. During his trip he addressed the troops, telling them that most forces would soon be pulling out, and was met with hearty applause.

Can it be true, as some soldiers now whisper, that they were ordered to applaud? According to our source on the ground, the rumour is that troops were briefed beforehand that applause was required, laughed it off, but were then told more sternly that this was an order.

Absolutely not, insists an MoD spokesman. “They were not ordered to clap,” we are told. “It was completely spontaneous. It isn’t unusual, either, for them to applaud things. They weren’t ordered to laugh at his jokes, either. They are human.”

He told jokes?

“I eat vitamins more than I eat chocolate now,” Connie Fisher, the winner of How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria? tells The Stage, when asked about how she keeps healthy while playing Maria in The Sound of Music. “And when I give my guinea-pig some cabbage, I also eat some myself.” Showbusiness – so glam.

As Nick Clegg concludes his first day as leader of the Liberal Democrats, it seems fitting to ponder the many, many other meanings of the word “clegg”. A clegg, we learn, is variously a horsefly, an idiot and an utterly unprintable affliction affecting the overly hairy. If you know of other uses, do share.

Congratulations to Jamie Lynn Spears (the younger sister of Britney) who is expecting her first child at the tender age of 16, with her boyfriend, Casey Aldridge. They met in church, in most American states she’s legally still a child, and her mother is supposed to be about to publish a book about Christian parenthood. It’s almost a fairytale.

Hurrah! It’s a card from Shahid Malik, the promiscuous (with Christmas cards) Minister for International Development. As ever Malik, a Muslim, wishes a Merry Christmas, in defiance of political correctness. But what’s this? Unlike last year, in not one of his six photos inside is the MP dressed as Santa Claus. We do hope his commitment to multiculturalism isn’t slackening.

Speaking on Dave Cameron’s Incredible Jouney (BBC Two, tonight), Michael Portillo admits to initial doubts. “You can never believe in young policemen,” he explains.

A rash of baubles backstage at David Mamet’s play Glengarry Glen Ross at the Apollo Theatre in the West End of London. Members of the cast, Jonathan Pryce among them, have held a competition to see who could create the most Christmassy dressing room. Richard Wilson dropped by to judge them yesterday before the show. We’ll tell you the winner tomorrow.

Postscript

— Smegheads rejoice – the long-awaited Red Dwarf movie (long-awaited by Smegheads, as fans of the series are known) could be a feature-length animation. Speaking to the Red Dwarf fansite Gannymede and Titan, Doug Naylor, creator of the series, said he had written 36 drafts of the screenplay. “Basically, what I don’t want to happen is for Red Dwarf: The Movie never to be seen . . . One option is a stage show, one option is an animated movie.”

— John Gordon Sinclair, the actor, tells whatsonstage.com: “All I wanted to be as a kid was a police marksman, like my uncle. I thought it was such a glamorous job, but I couldn’t shoot anything to save my life.” Which is, ironically, when you might need to.

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