Ministerial rivalry moves to the US

Oh dear. It’s just starting to get a little rude now. Jacqui Smith, our somewhat shoulder-barged Home Secretary, is undertaking her first visit to Washington. The perfect opportunity, this, to network quietly with her American counterparts, free from the domineering presence of her domestic rival Jack Straw, the Justice Secretary. “There are no speeches planned,” says the Home Office.

A shame. For who should be indulging in a far more tub-thumping visit, almost simultaneously? Yes indeed. By curious chance, none other than the Justice Secretary.

Just as Smith leaves quietly, Straw will arrive to deliver a show-stealing speech to the Law School at George Washington University. If she is not to be overshadowed again, Jacqui may have to resort to truly memorable clothes.

— Ricky Gervais, the self-proclaimed king of comedy, is dressed as Henry VIII in the new Radio Times (on sale today). “I love paying tax,” the comedian tells the magazine. “It helps justify how much I earn. There’s something unsavoury about tax exiles. Pay your tax or f*** off.”

Gervais also lays into those who use Comic Relief for personal gain. “Why would I go to Africa and film myself crying?” he says. “Some do charity and you never hear about them; others, like me, do it because we’re caught up in it; and loads do it who have a gig to sell or a record to boost. I’ve seen acts on Comic Relief whose tour starts the following day. It’s disgraceful, but I won’t name them.”

Gervais appeared on Comic Relief in 2005, 2006 and 2007. So this may be a joke.

— We have been trying to ignore the many tenuous and ludicrous Valentine’s Day-themed press releases coming our way. Still, if we had failed to inform you that ITV.com will be boasting a “whipping masterclass” with Billie Piper, we do feel we would not be properly doing our jobs.

— Alas, owing to us sticking our fingers in our ears and screaming “no, no”, we have heard little of the performance of the Cheeky Girls at the Macmillan Cancer Support Parliamentary Palace of Varieties Show on Thursday. Retrospectively we learn via their manager (and mother) that the girls were deeply upset that nobody thought to feed them until they asked. Fair mistake, really.

— Ken Livingstone has come under fire for allegedly exploiting his office for political gain, while his rival Boris Johnson is whiter than white, right? And, yet, the Milky Bar Kid mayoral candidate has just submitted three questions in the Commons on adult education in London, at a cost to the taxpayer of approx £140 a pop. According to his office, this has been done solely in his capacity as an MP. Oh yes? Has Henley moved?

— Tom Harris, the Rail Minister, discussed the bonuses for Network Rail bosses on GMTV. “As a person, as a human, I understand people’s concerns,” he said, “but as a politician . . .”

So very honest.

— As if Hillary Clinton wasn’t terrifying enough, her top tip for staying healthy comes to us via CBS News. “I eat a lot of hot peppers,” she says. “I for some reason started doing that in 1992, and I swear by it.” Raw, we guess.

Postscript

“Frances grew up on musicals,” says Courtney Love of her daughter Frances Bean, to Harper’s Bazaar. “I think musicals comfort her. She’s a gay man trapped in a woman’s body, like me.” Poor girl.

— A signed photograph of Cherie Blair, for sale on eBay, isn’t shifting quite as sharply as once it might have. Priced at a measly £10, the photo failed to sell for the whole month it was listed. The seller has extended the period by 28 days, making clear that the picture comes in a “10 x 8 inch cream mount”. Hard to resist.

— Is there anybody for Anne Robinson? “I really am completely desperate,” she tells Virgin Radio. Not, perhaps, the best way to attract men.

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