Vanishing act in the corridors of power

It is noon and, in Westminster, there is no sign in the Commons of Douglas Alexander, the (International Development Secretary), who is expected to make an emergency statement on Burma. The Commons is suspended for five minutes while he is hunted down.

By remarkable coincidence, at that exact moment in Holyrood, his big sister Wendy (the Labour Party leader in Scotland) was being battered by Alex Salmond in their first clash at First Ministers’ Questions since her sudden and embarrassingly un-Gordonish conversion to a referendum on Scottish independence. Had wee Dougie found a telly? Or are they, in fact, just one person, with two sets of clothes and a very fast aeroplane? We have our suspicions.

— Hazel Court, the great, screaming, cleavaged star of many a Hammer Horror, is to appear on a new stamp as part of a series in homage to the 50th anniversary of the films. This was very nearly controversial, as the only living people usually allowed to appear on stamps are royals. However, the actress died last month, aged 82, presumably after the stamps were conceived. There’s a film plot in that.

— Five years on, and the writer Will Self finds that he is still chiefly known for being in BBC2’s Grumpy Old Men. “All that agonising over the blank sheet, or filled sheet of paper, is as naught compared to it,” he tells Access Interviews, recalling how, years later, he was brewing up a pot of tea in the Australian Outback, when a middle-aged lady recognised him through a frond.

— Did we know that Ioan Gruffudd (the Welsh actor) is to play Tony Blair in W, a forthcoming Hollywood biopic of George W. Bush? According to Welsh reports, he has been in touch with Michael Sheen (of The Queen) for tips. “I’ve got to get the blue contact lenses in, lose a bit of hair and smile a lot,” says Gruffudd. “I’m very excited about it.”

— Shades of the past yesterday, as Iain Duncan Smith, the former Conservative leader, locked verbal swords with Blair. That’s Cherie Blair, of course, who was chairing the Channel 4 Street Weapons Commission. IDS, these days a noble grandee of social good, was talking about the voluntary sector. “You’ve got to risk a bit of failure,” he said, possibly from the heart.

— Look, a communique from a Scottish hotel, telling us of their “politically correct pillows”, which include The Brown (“for tossers and turners”), The Darling (“a pain in the neck”) and The Balls (“Ed down . . .”). It comes from a chap called Stephen Carter, whom, we must assume, is no relation to anybody else of that name. He runs a place called Cameron House, of which we must assume something similar.

— We hear that the post office at the RAC in Pall Mall is being severely downgraded to little more than a kiosk. Famously, it is one of only two private post offices in the UK, the other being in Buckingham Palace. Traditionally, post office closures are heralded by “consultation” which is then ignored. But here? “I am not aware of any consultation whatsoever,” splutters one member.

— Geri Halliwell could be one of those mad Greek mystics they used to keep in caves. Here she is in Time Out, citing the Queen as her favourite Londoner. “She’s never spazzed out and lost her decorum. She's got amazing skin. I think she's really kept herself well, externally. Even though she's old now, she still travels.” And then, perhaps, a distant look. And a twitch.

Postscript

David Cameron, interviewed in The Spectator this week, reveals that his mobile phone’s ringtone is the theme tune from 24, a hit US TV series about a counter-terrorist trapped in a cycle of perpetual danger. “It’s an in-joke,” explained Cameron, impenetrably.

— Trying desperately to avoid all talk of The Apprentice, we nevertheless can’t help but experience some glee at its most recent evictee’s claim, on Virgin Radio this morning, that Sir Alan Sugar uses a child’s bumper seat to make himself look taller when he is sitting on his boardroom chair.

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