MP makes an ape of Jack Straw

In the House of Commons, they may have discovered a new species of great ape. Or not.

Mark Pritchard (The Wrekin, C) has been expressing concern over a 1997 statement from Jack Straw (then Home Secretary) that apes “including chimpanzees, gorillas, pygmy gorillas and orangutans” were not used in UK labs.

“I have spoken to zoologists throughout the world,” Pritchard told the Commons proudly the other day, “and there is no such creature or species as a pygmy gorilla.” Jack Straw says this remains a matter for the Home Office.

The lobbying group Animal Defenders International explains that Pritchard is concerned that we protect animals that exist, rather than ones that don’t. Such as unicorns.

“Gorillas?” says a spokesman from Pritchard’s office. “What?”

Shades of desperation in Crewe & Nantwich, as the Labour Party drafts in actress Liz Dawn (aka the late Vera Duckworth, of Coronation Street) to feature in some promotional material. “You see,” she chirrups in one leaflet, “the Labour Party works together. By ’eck it might not always get things right, but at least you know they are trying.” They last used her in the 2006 by-election in Blaenau Gwent. And didn’t that one go just splendidly?

Poor Gordon. Even in his own home, he is being mocked openly. We are told that at the annual Downing Street staff quiz on Wednesday, one team was called “Thanks For All You Do” – the routine phrase that Gordon trots out to his staff. The PM asked the questions for a couple of rounds, and may not have known the team’s name.

The House of Commons’ band, MP4 (they’re MPs, there are four of them, ha ha ha, etc) played a gig at the Albert Hall on Wednesday. We understand that the band played D:Ream’s 1997 election anthem Things Can Only Get Better at the end, and all the Labour MPs started to get a little weepy.

We reported last month that Daria Zhukova – squeeze of Roman Abramovich – was to open a gallery in a Moscow bus garage. The Art Newspaper now reports that Amy Winehouse will perform at the opening in June, to put the gallery on the “international art world map”. Respected art figure that she is.

James Corden and Matthew Horne, two of the stars of BBC Three’s Gavin and Stacey (note for people who don’t watch it – neither of them plays Stacey) are to co-star in a horror comedy film called Lesbian Vampire Killers . “I love lesbians, I love vampires and I quite like James Corden,” explains Horne.

Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, was at the Devon County show near Exeter, where she joined children in making a batch of organic bread rolls. One in particular, made by Matthew Shears, 3, was supposed to look like a tortoise. “It looks more like a hedgehog,” said Camilla, quite cruelly.

Angelina Jolie (pregnant with twins) and Jack Black (merely fat) touched bumps in order to publicise their new film Kung Fu Panda in Cannes and, from certain angles, perhaps inadvertently recreate that famous optical illusion that could either be two people or a candlestick.

Postscript

Ricky Gervais appears to be spending his days larking about with his Hollywood cast on the shoot of This Side of the Truth, his first film as director. “Yesterday I spent the day pretending to confuse Jason Bateman with Michael J. Fox,” he says on his blog. “The more he [Bateman] didn’t laugh the funnier it was. He got most annoyed when I thought he was 40-something. “I’m 39,” he said in a high voice, and asked for more make-up. After lunch I went to his trailer to shoot him with my biggest nerf gun,” said Gervais, 47 years old next month. More William Shatner – we can’t help it – he’s just released his genius, bonkers autobiography, Up Till Now.

In 1988 Shatner met Koko, the famously communicative chimpanzee. He went into her compound alone, treading rather gingerly. Koko looked him in the eyes and grabbed him between the legs. “Her handler at the far end of the room said, ‘Stand very still. She wants you to go to her bedroom’, ” says Shatner. “So I stood very still because I did not want to go to her bedroom.” Fair point.

— A press release. “ HSH Prince Albert II of Monaco,” we are told, excitably, “becomes first royal to offer online carbon emissions calculator.” Well done him. All those other royals who were feverishly preparing online carbon emissions calculators must be simply furious.

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