Dave’s not on cue with his plan

David Cameron’s decision to parade his “authenticity” by speaking from a lectern prompted much debate. The truth is much simpler. “Look, I just can’t read from an Autocue,” he confided at a conference party. He doesn’t think much of Nick Clegg’s “walkabout” performance. The Lib Dem leader had three concealed TV screens in the audience as an aide memoire. “That is a con,” says Dave.

We are a little disappointed that the “man with a plan” didn’t complete the conference quotation he cribbed from a Stevie Wonder song: “He’s a man with a plan, Got a counterfeit dollar in his hand, He’s Misstra Know-It-All.”

Our faith in John Craven proved well founded. Alerted to the shocking bongo-free “modernised” Newsround theme tune, the venerable presenter is calling for their return. “Maybe bongos aren’t fashionable any more,” he told Jamie Theakston on Heart FM. “I’m glad they’ve got the old theme back again but I do miss those bongos.” “Will you stand alongside myself, shoulder-to-shoulder, to bring back the bongos?,” pleaded Theakston. “Will you do that for me?” “Bring back the bongos!”, cried John. Hallelujah.

Lenny Henry will make his stage acting debut as Othello in a West Yorkshire Playhouse production. “I finally completed my BA in English literature,” he says. “I firmly believe that theatre expands your brain. It’s a bit like doing the Knowledge.”

Samantha Cameron impressed Peter York, the style guru and Sloane Ranger expert. “She is a sophisticated dresser. Those red heels really are new Sloane and quite high street. Well done her.” Hubby gets a tick for “a very well-tied tie, a rarity these days”.

Will Young has talked himself into some extra homework after revealing a desire to appear alongside the grey suits on Question Time. “It’s one of my favourite shows,” the politics graduate-turned-Pop Idol told Simon Mayo’s BBC Radio 5 Live programme. “It’s all about democracy working at its best.” Within minutes Gill Penlington, QT editor, rang to invite Young on “at your earliest possible convenience”. Gareth Gates must also appear for balance.

Christian groups have called for an M&S boycott after Lily Cole, the retailer’s star model, adopted this pose for French Playboy. She could certainly do with the store’s lingerie

Postscript

—Noel Gallagher told Absolute Radio how Oasis got that Abbey Road vibe. “We came in the studio, turned off all the lights and played every single Beatles album back-to-back at top volume while we got hammered.”

—There’s no credit crunch at Harper’s Bazaar. Next month’s collector’s edition features cover illustrations from Marc Quinn and Sir Peter Blake studded in 250 Swarovski crystals. Not ready for the hotdog stand

The Face
Meat Loaf

A larger than life character who survived bankruptcy, illness and one of the world’s biggest-selling albums, Meat Loaf finally achieves critical recognition on Monday when he accepts the Q “Classic Song” award for Bat out of Hell.

Fans thought they had seen the last of the Meat when he walked offstage during a gig in Newcastle upon Tyne, amid complaints over “shambolic” performances.

He had a vocal cord cyst diagnosed, along with an irregular heart condition, after a stage collapse at Wembley Arena in 2003, but has returned with the triumphant Casa De Carne tour. The 37 million-selling Bat out of Hell album turned the former Texan schoolboy Marvin Lee Aday into a sweaty sex symbol. I’d Do Anything for Love (but I Won’t Do That) repeated the trick. Retirement at 57 is not an option.

“What am I gonna do, run a hotdog stand?”

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