A funny way to write his P45

Times are tough enough without John Simpson joining the prophets of doom. “I shall no doubt be sacked under horrible circumstances,” the BBC’s world affairs editor told The Times Cheltenham Literature Festival. “Things will be absolutely dreadful,” Simpson the soothsayer continued. “I’ll hate the so and so’s [BBC bosses] – I hate them pretty much anyway, but I’ll hate them even more. Then I’ll be tempted to say that standards have definitely dropped, when what I mean is that I’m not around any more.”

Simpson, who declared that the BBC was “in its last stages”, was a last-minute substitute for an ill Terry Waite. “Grumbling appendix,” moaned John. “I’ve worked for a whole bunch of people like that.” He would be happier back in Kabul.

Ozzy Osbourne gives a definitive account of the whole bat-biting incident, which took place on stage in 1982, to Classic Rock. “It must have been stunned by the lights or something because it just froze and I thought it was a toy. I just put it in my mouth. Then its wings started flapping and I got such a shock. I tried to pull it out too quickly and its head came off.”

The verdict? “It tasted all crunchy and warm . . . like a Ronald McDonald’s.” Not an endorsement that the burger giant was seeking.

He may not enjoy the cosy embrace of the arts Establishment, but Gordon Brown still has his literary supporters. Alan Bennett is urging the Prime Minister to give the performance of his life. “I think he’s very sensible, but he can’t put it in the shop window like you’re supposed to,” the playwright told New Books . “I wish Blair had gone earlier and given him [Brown] a better crack of the whip. It’s going to be government by estate agent if we get David Cameron.”

Scary Spice makes her mark as she joins Madonna and Sir Cliff Richard by making a paw print on the Walk of Fame at Wembley. It’s a fleeting visit for the co-host of the Mobo Awards. Melanie Brown, as she now styles herself, says LA is her home

The optician who fitted Sarah Palin’s £500 titanium rimless frames discloses the wannabe VP’s decision-making process. “I took around 500 styles to her home and we narrowed it down to five,” Joy Leedham, of Home Optics in Chugiak, Alaska, told Nick Ferrari on LBC radio. “I really liked the Kazuo Kawasaki design she has now, but she wasn’t going to go ahead until all her [five] children came and okayed her decision. She called them in and they just said ‘Go for it Mom!’.”

Postscript

Back to Cheltenham, where Andrew Motion disclosed the vital role that his mother played in his progress to becoming Poet Laureate. The young Motion presented his early poems to Mum for approval. “But from time to time she would ask, ‘Are you really so unhappy?’. ‘No, no,’ I reassured her. ‘I just think poems should be unhappy’.” Peter Kay shares the Polydor record label with Kaiser Chiefs – but there are no freebies for the comic. “I’ve just ordered your new album on Play.com. When will it arrive?” he rang in to ask the band when they hosted a BBC 6 Music show. Redemption hope for Iron man

The Face: Mike Tyson

A frail, vulnerable figure who had the world in his fists and blew it, “Iron” Mike Tyson hopes that a major biopic of his life, Tyson, to be screened at The Times BFI London Film Festival on Friday, will present a fresh perspective on his volatile career.

Told entirely in Tyson’s own, gently lisping voice, James Toback’s film presents a picture of a complex, damaged individual who is wholly incapable of dealing with his rise to global fame as world heavyweight boxing champion.

Tyson was a brutal bully in the ring. His standing as a public villain was sealed with a three-year jail sentence for rape in 1992 and the notorious ear-biting incident with Evander Holyfield in 1997.

Now 42 years old, the former bankrupt is seeking redemption away from a sport that never truly replaced him. The ovation that he received when the film screened at Cannes was, Tyson said, the greatest high of his career.

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