2: In the unlikely event of a further inquiry, respond that you must first consult widely within the department.

3: Consult widely. Refer the application up, refer it across, refer it down, refer it to the necessary ministers, refer it to the necessary former ministers. Do not expect any early replies. Remember, they too will have read these guidelines.

4: On receiving the results of your consultation, deploy the catch-22 defence. Write to the applicant in hand-wringing tones to say that, alas, they have not been specific enough. What is it exactly that they want? If they knew what they wanted, they wouldn’t need to ask for it.

5: If the applicant still persists, say that the documents required must be examined by legal advisers to consider the public interest. If you can’t think of anything else, insist that there are human rights issues.

6: You know what legal folk are like. This step could take years.

7: Announce in delighted tones that the application has cleared all the necessary stages: administrative, consultative, legal. But the decision has been taken to withhold the material.

8: If the applicant obtains a legal notice demanding the release of the information, inform the relevant cabinet minister. He or she can always issue a veto blocking the release of the information.

9: If all else fails, revert to Whitehall Emergency Plan 3b: “We regret that the documents in question are no longer available as they were accidentally shredded by a junior clerk on work experience.”

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