EVEN the Rev Julie Nicholson’s Christian faith has not helped her to forgive the suicide bombers who took her daughter’s life. Perhaps that would be too much to expect of any mother.
Exactly eight months since the London bombings on July 7 last year, Mrs Nicholson has given up her job as an inner-city vicar because she feels unable to preach a message of peace and reconciliation when she does not feel it in her heart.
Jennifer Nicholson, her talented, vivacious, 24-year-old daughter, was one of 56 people who died in the bombings.
Her mother, vicar of the parish of St Aidan with St George, in Bristol, has suffered the double bereavement of losing not just her daughter but also the vocation that she loved. Mrs Nicholson said: “It’s very difficult for me to stand behind an altar and celebrate the Eucharist, the Communion, and lead people in words of peace and reconciliation and forgiveness when I feel very far from that myself. So, for the time being, that wound in me is having to heal.”
Although she will continue working for the Church, it will be running community drama and arts projects, rather than as a parish priest.
She said: “I am looking for a way in which I can still have priestly ministry when there are some things I can no longer practise, or I can’t currently practise, and for me that’s about integrity.
“In terms of my ministry, a colleague and a friend recently said priesthood begins in the world not in the Church, and I was very relieved to hear that because what I am trying to do now is redefine my priesthood.”
Mrs Nicholson revealed her reasons for standing down in an interview broadcast on the BBC regional current affairs programme Inside Out last night.
The Bishop of Bristol, the Right Rev Mike Hill, a personal friend of Mrs Nicholson, said he understood that her faith had been shaken by the events of 7/7. “I think these situations in life shake the faith of everybody because they immediately bring into focus the ‘why’ question. Unfortunately, there’s no simple Elastoplast answer to that question,” he added.
Jennifer, a gifted musician, was one of seven people killed by Mohammad Sidique Khan, 30. She had recently moved to Reading, Berkshire, to live with her boyfriend after completing a Masters degree in music at Bristol University, and had a new job with Rhinegold Publishing in London.
Minutes before her death she called her boyfriend from Paddington to tell him that she was late for work and was on the westbound Circle Line train. Mrs Nicholson and her husband, Greg, were on holiday in Wales at the time. She has never discussed her daughter’s death publicly and did not speak at her funeral at Bristol Cathedral in August.
Bishop Hill expressed anger on her behalf in his address when he told the 1,000 mourners: “There are few human words that can adequately express what we feel about people who indiscriminately carry out apparent acts of senseless violence against innocent civilian populations and, unbelievably, do so in the name of God. Such delusion, such evil, is impossible for us to begin to comprehend.”
Mrs Nicholson says that not only could she not forgive the killers, she does not want to forgive. She said: “I will leave potential forgiveness for whatever is after this life. I will leave that in God’s hands.”
Every day she says the name of Mohammad Sidique Khan. “I have a certain amount of pity for the fact that four young people felt that this was something they had to do but I certainly don’t have any sense of compassion. Can I forgive them for what they did? No, I cannot.
“I believe that there are some things in life which are unforgivable by the human spirit. We are all faced with choice and those four human beings on that day chose to do what they did.”
She said that Jenny was still with her “in essence” even though her physical presence was gone. She added: “No parent should reasonably expect to outlive their children. I rage that a human being could choose to take another human being’s life. I rage that someone shoud do this is the name of a God. I find that utterly offensive. We have heard a lot in the media about things causing certain groups of people offence and I would say that I am hugely offended that someone should take my daughter in the name of a religion or a God.”
Mr and Mrs Nicholson have two other children, Tom and Lizzie, who were 16 and 22 at the time of their sister’s death. Before joining St Aidan’s in 2004 she had been curate at St Mary’s, in Henbury, Bristol, where Jennifer was head chorister.
John Lloyd, spokesman for the Bishop of Bristol, said that Mrs Nicholson was not turning her back on the Church. “She will continue working with a diocesan community youth project involving the arts. This new post will combine her theological and artistic ambitions and it is a natural extension of her work in the Church. She has not lost her faith; it was the standing-behind-the-altar thing that was the difficulty. She has said that faith is not like a carrier bag you can just put down.”
Mrs Nicholson is involved in a religious programme for the BBC with the Bishop of Bristol. The Easter special will feature people touched by the bombings who will talk about how it has affected their faith.
Mourners at Jennifer’s funeral were moved to tears by the recollections of her childhood by her uncle, Mick Nicholson. He said: “When I look back, I think of innocence, honesty, of her love for her family, her friends and in later years for James. Of her talent for music, her performances, her literature and for living.
“Her dedication of hard work, faith and most of all her charisma, which would light up any room and, despite having the most gentle manner, a presence that was loud and which couldn’t and will not ever go unnoticed.”
Bristol University choir sang an arrangement of the song Hallelujah from Jennifer’s favourite film, Shrek. Her coffin was draped in a yellow cloth and the cathedral was decorated with sunflowers.
The Rev Rosey Lunn, a family friend with a parish in Somerset, said: “Julie put so much into preparing the service that she made sure she sang throughout and didn’t want to give in to tears. Julie was devastated, as any mother would be, but she is facing this with great honesty and courage. All of us are horrified by such brutal violence.”
Despite her daughter’s death, Mrs Nicholson has remained positive, assuring friends “I just want you to know that there is still goodness in this world.”
Parishioners said yesterday that Mrs Nicholson had their full support and understanding.
Margaret Hodge, 66, a worshipper at St Aidan’s for more than 15 years, said: “Everyone understands Julie’s decision and has all our support and sympathy. She did an incredible job here with her warmth and caring nature.”
“The congregation have been kept up to date with developments and we are disappointed that she has decided to step down. However, we are delighted she has taken on a new role.”
The decision to work with community arts projects is taking Mrs Nicholson back to her roots. In 2002, two years after she was ordained, she appeared at the Edinburgh Festival in a play in which she had to leap into a pigsty with a naked man.
A Place with the Pigs, by Athol Fugard, was not a porcine version of The Full Monty but rather the story of a Russian soldier who atoned for his desertion by spending 30 years living in a pigsty. Mr Lloyd, who saw the production, said that Mrs Nicholson had been “wonderful” as a peasant wife. He described her new role as “making connections with God through the creative arts ”. Her first project will be an amateur production of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.
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