A SENIOR British ambassador has lambasted our European Union partners in undiplomatic language, blaming them for farm subsidies that “bloat” rich French landowners, “pump up food prices” and create poverty in Africa.

In an e-mail to colleagues seen by The Sunday Times, Charles Crawford, the ambassador to Poland, mocks “mon ami” Jacques Chirac and the Poles for selfishly blocking Tony Blair’s attempts to secure a face-saving deal on the European budget.

His sardonic tone will embarrass Blair as he seeks to reach agreement this week at a key summit. Some will see his exasperation as revealing what ministers privately think.

Crawford says that Britain has created more jobs for Poles in Britain than the Polish government since EU membership was extended to another 10 countries last year. He visualises Blair or Jack Straw, the foreign secretary, telling the new member states that the UK wants to help them, despite their “rudeness and ingratitude”.

“We like you so much that we are proposing in the budget a huge new transfer of funds to you on a scale which will give your people the greatest boost in 1,000 years.”

In a jibe at David Cameron, the new Conservative leader, the ambassador imagines Blair or Straw saying: “I will be attacked by my scary new teenage Tory opposition for building roads and hospitals in Poland and Hungary, rather than in poor areas of the UK.”

The memo was sent last week to Kim Darroch, Blair’s European policy adviser, and Nicola Brewer, head of EU policy at the Foreign Office.

Much of it represents Crawford’s blackly humorous opinions on what Blair should tell other European ministers. He suggests putting a children’s alarm clock on the conference table and giving delegates an hour to accept Britain’s offer.

If it is not accepted, he suggested, Britain would be able to walk away with its rebate intact. It would then be able to use money that it was prepared to deduct from its rebate to fund projects directly in former eastern bloc countries.

Crawford estimates that it would be equivalent to twice as much spent through the EU and that Britain’s help would go much further, faster and more efficiently to the countries concerned. There will not be the loss of money in “all the bollocky EU bureaucracy” and “sticky transaction costs, local and Brussels corruption, overheads and other rubbish”.

Crawford describes the common agricultural policy (CAP) as “the most stupid, immoral state-subsidised policy in human history, give or take communism”.

The e-mail lays bare the frustration in the British government at stalling by France and Poland ahead of this week’s make-or-break EU summit.

Failure to reach a deal on the budget will be disappointing for Blair, who has little to show for Britain’s six-month presidency. The prime minister has offered to give up part of the annual £3.8 billion British rebate in return for France and other nations agreeing to reform the “unfair” CAP which benefits their farmers.

Chirac and Kazimierz Marcinkiewicz, the Polish prime minister, have shown little sign of compromising on the budget proposals for 2007-13. Blair said on Friday that hopes for a deal were fading and such a failure would “cast a real shadow” over EU enlargement.

Crawford’s e-mail, sent at 5.36am last Thursday to officials at No 10 and the Foreign Office, displays his frustration.

Colleagues said that Crawford, who keeps a signed photograph of Paul Gascoigne, the former footballer, in his lavatory, was renowned for his “off-beat sense of humour”.

The note is headlined “Loosen those EU budget talks — let’s end the misery!” and reads: “Ok, partners, here is my final offer. (Puts a large naff kiddies’ alarm clock on the table). We all know the absurdity of this process (is) passing any reasonable limit.

“I am being asked to give more UK taxpayers’ money to an EU which cannot produce properly audited accounts.”

When first contacted Crawford said: “No comment. I’m getting on with my job.” Later, in a statement, he added: “Everyone had been working very hard and this was meant to be a joke. No offence was meant and I hope none is taken.”

Straw came to his defence. “Charles Crawford is an excellent ambassador who has served with distinction in Sarajevo, Belgrade and Warsaw,” Straw said. “I am glad that he has a sharp sense of humour and uses it from time to time.”

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