THE “may contain nuts” warning on peanut packets has long caused much derision, along with “may cause drowsiness” on sleeping pill boxes, but Britain’s label writers have not been resting on their laurels.

When the consumer magazine Which? asked readers to spot examples of curious labels, it received a vast collection of quixotic and bravely illogical product descriptions.

International Yacht Varnish comes in a tin decorated with a ship’s wheel, that speaks of the hardy polishing that must go on at sea. In the fine print purchasers were warned: “Not suitable for marine use.”

Which? was incredulous. “Never have we seen a label that so badly failed to describe what was in the tin,” it said.

“This yacht varnish is suitable for interior items such as bannisters. Do many people keep yachts indoors?”

Label designers at Sainsbury’s felt equally unconstrained by the exact nature of their product. Its packets of Scotch pancakes bore a picture of blueberries and the line: “I love juicy blueberries.”

Which? reader Sheila Brady decided that these must be blueberry pancakes. In fact they were plain. “I love juicy blueberries” was not a description of the contents but rather a chance for the supermarket to state its feelings for juicy blueberries.

Then there was a card made for the occasion of a two-year-old’s birthday, complete with a fluffy number “2” on the front, by London firm ZZ Designs.

The recipient would have to wait another year before being allowed near it. “This card is not a toy,” the packaging said. “Not suitable for children under 3 years.”

Some label makers followed the “may contain nuts” tradition and did not neglect to state the obvious. Panasonic torches were to be “used in the dark for brightness”. Shoppers who bought Puma trainers were reassured by a sign on the box: “Average contents: 2”.

Which? was curious. “We can’t help musing whether Puma has a helpline to link those who got one shoe with the lucky ones who got three.”

Contradictory labelling is also alive and well. Tuc crackers were able to be both “original” and have a “new improved recipe”. Cracker consumers were no better off than the buyers of a mozzarella salad bagel. They should “keep (it) refrigerated” according to the makers, and at the same time “avoid the fridge”.

Sometimes it was the label writers who were in a quandary. How to sell Penta bottled water for £1.50 a bottle? The answer was an entirely new take on the common habit of drinking water.

“You can use Penta to enjoy what we call Bio-Hydration: optimal cellular hydration that will help your body combat the negative effects of 21st century living and help your brain to stay more alert all day long.”

If that sounds complicated, don’t worry. Penta is “easy to drink”.

Which? called it “very expensive pseudoscience”.

Finally, there were labels that challenged consumers’ understanding of the natural world. There was the “oven ready half wild rabbit” — buyers wondered what the other half was — and Waitrose Jarlsberg cheese, which buyers might have thought was made from cow’s milk.

They were mistaken, according to the label. “Norway’s clear mountain streams and pristine pastures produce the milk,” it read.

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