PERHAPS it is time for research into why university personnel continually attract funding for studies with blindingly obvious conclusions.

There must be an art to it. How else to explain the work of Amos Zeichner, director of the psychology clinic at the University of Georgia, who proved that “alcohol facilitates aggression among those who express anger outwardly”.

There was something similarly predictable about Sherry H. Stewart’s research at Dalhousie University in Canada, which confirmed that gamblers lose more when drunk. It took Merete Nordentoft and Nina Wandall-Holm, from the department of psychiatry at Bispebjerg Hospital in Copenhagen, ten years to establish that homelessness cuts life expectancy.

And in next month’s British Medical Journal you could find elaborate proof, from Professor Mika Kivimaki, of the Finnish Institute of Occupational Health, that sickness records can predict employee deaths. Yes, people who get sick die sooner.

Barbara J. Rolls tackled a weighty problem for the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition and found that big portions might contribute to obesity. Dr Emily Lovegrove, of the Centre for Appearance Research at the University of the West of England, finds that adolescents might get bullied because of the way they look. And if they do, it can undermine their self-esteem.

We owe it to Dr Simon Moore and Christine Gaitanou, of the London Metropolitan University, for proving that people are more likely to complain about a film’s violence if others in the audience do the same. Herd instinct? Does it affect scientists too? Possibly, because here come Dr Linda Gallo, of San Diego State University, and Dr Karen Matthews, of the University of Pittsburgh, with a paper claiming marriage benefits women’s health — but only if it is a happy marriage.

Professor John Trinkaus, of the Zicklin School of Business, studied children visiting Santa Claus and found that only 1 per cent smiled or showed any sign of happiness. On the other hand, nearly all the parents were quite happy and excited.

Professor Trinkaus is good at Christmas specials. An earlier study of snow on motor vehicle roofs found that after a snowstorm almost two thirds of non-commercial vehicles had roofs not cleared of snow, with vans outnumbering cars two to one.

But if all this scientific research falls flat, it cannot outdo Mark Fonstad and William Pugatch, of Texas State University, and Brandon Vogt, of Arizona State University, who demonstrated that Kansas is flatter than a pancake. If a mathematical value of one indicated perfect flatness, they calculated, “after many hours of programming work”, that Kansas’s flatness approximated to 0.9997. Pretty damn flat.

• Shovelling snow, running for a bus or any strenuous exercise that is not done regularly can put people at a serious risk of heart attack. Researchers from the University of Essex said that infrequent, high-intensity exercise resulted in a person’s heart rate remaining higher for longer, extending the time when problems could occur.

  TOP TEN SILLY STUDIES

  1: Alcohol facilitates aggression among those who express anger outwardly; Amos Zeichner, University of Georgia, Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research

  2: Employees who take long spells of sick leave have a higher risk of death than those who do not; Professor Mika Kivimaki, Finnish Institute of Occupational Health, British Medical Journal

  3: Homeless people are four times more likely to die early than others; Merete Nordentoft, Bispebjerg Hospital, Copenhagen, BMJ

  4: Gamblers are less successful when they are drunk; Sherry Stewart, Dalhousie University, Canada, Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research

  5: Portion size affects the amount of food eaten at a single meal; Barbara Rolls, Pennsylvania State University, American Journal of Clinical Nutrition

  6: Children are bullied because of their appearance; Emily Lovegrove, University of the West of England, British Psychological Society conference

  7: People object more to violent films when someone else does; Simon Moore and Christine Gaitanou, London Metropolitan University, BPS conference

  8: Marriage improves women’s health, but only when it’s a happy one; Linda Gallo, San Diego State University, Health Psychology

  9: Children no longer smile at Santa; John Trinkaus, Zicklin Business School, Annals of Improbable Research

  10: Kansas is flatter than a pancake; Mark Fonstad, William Pugatch and Brandon Vogt

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