If national stereotypes contain even a micrograin of truth, Wendy Ivers has her work cut out. An Aberdonian stand-up comedian, she is asking the city to vote for her in a nationwide text-message popularity poll. Each pro-Wendy text costs 25p. She also expects her supporters to come to stand-up gigs and donate to Childline. There is a mountain to climb, and she knows it. “My campaign theme is going to be the tortoise and the hare,” she groans in thick Doric. “I am miles behind everyone else.”

Ivers is the only Scottish finalist in a text-message popularity contest in which she gets to make shameless shows of herself in a bid for votes, while a mobile-phone company promotes itself. In its own way, to be a finalist is achievement enough. About 11,000 people were keen to spend three weeks — and a budget of £3,000 — promoting themselves to the flexible thumb generation. Ivers is one of only six chosen to compete for the £10,000 prize.

It is clear what 30-year-old Ivers, who has spent the last couple of years slogging around Aberdeen’s nonexistent comedy circuit, hopes to get out of the competition.

“I want to raise my profile as a comedian,” she says frankly. “I’ve been working really hard locally. It’s a hard business to break into, so I hope this will let me go in at a slightly higher level. It’s all about getting onto the national stage.”

She is not the only contestant to be a self-confessed self-publicist. Ivers is up against two nightclub promoters, a cheerleader/model and a local radio DJ, all of whom have their eyes firmly fixed on the main chance. Only the bus driver Paul Jeffry does not appear to have a commercial agenda — although his online biography features ominious mentions of his guitar.

“Of course it’s a gimmick to get yourself noticed,” says Ivers. “In that way it’s similar to Big Brother and those kinds of programmes. It is a bit egotistical, but you can’t look a gift horse in the mouth. I have done a lot of good work in the last 2Å years for nothing, so I just have to take this opportunity. I deserve a break.”

That is something of an understatement. Since deciding to pursue her dream of becoming a stand-up, Ivers has been working part-time in a youth club and running her own comedy nights. She lives in a council house, makes just £4,500 a year and relies on benefits to make ends meet. “I owe my mum and dad £2,500 and I’ve just had to take my car off the road,” she says, sounding remarkably cheerful. “The crown on one of my teeth fell out about six months ago, and I haven’t been able to fix it.”

There is, however, one upside to the privations of Ivers’s lifestyle. “I am the stereotypical starving artist. When I started out I was 14 stone. I’m now 9Å.”

Yesterday was her first day of campaigning proper, piggybacking on the back of the Aberdeen students’ annual charity fundraising Torcher parade. Her plan was to “run around the streets with a bucket, bringing along all my supporters, muck in on the parade, hopefully add a bit to the day”. With scant regard for the weather forecast, she chose an outfit guaranteed to get her noticed.

“I have this really awful green dress that I wore years ago,” she says. “Back then I thought it was very, very sexy, but now I realise it’s just awful. It is lime-green Lycra, skintight, barely covers my bottom, with a cut-out stomach. I will be wearing it with some lovely stripy socks. I used to wear it when I was a bit chubbier. I looked like Kermit the Frog.”

If all goes according to plan, and the texters of the country unite to declare her Miss Popularity, she will pay back her parents, get her teeth fixed and get cracking on her comedy career — while remaining firmly rooted in Aberdeen.

“I don’t just want to raise my own profile, I want to increase the value that comedy has in society. There is a huge amount of talent here. I would like to write or perform in a sitcom. Glasgow has Rab C Nesbitt and Chewin’ the Fat and I believe there is that kind of talent in Aberdeen.”

So we can expect Chewin’ the Buttery sometime soon? “I like that,” says Ivers. “In fact, I might steal it.”

www.wepaypopularitystakes.co.uk

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