Who called Jack McConnell an Orange bastard? Was it a fellow pupil at Arran High School? A fellow student at Stirling University? Or just some cheeky Fenian on the street? Somebody, somewhere must have done something dreadful to convince the first minister that Scotland is sectarian. His pursuit of the idea is clearly more personal than political. Last week he published his 18-point plan to help “Scotland’s communities (where) bigotted attitudes are born and nurtured”. The man appears obsessed.

Few were clamouring for action on the issue until McConnell raised it — indeed, nobody east of Coatbridge even knew it was an issue at all. To be a little more specific, nobody south of Kilmarnock, west of Dunoon or north of Cardross knew sectarianism was an issue either. But McConnell can’t very well call Glasgow “Scotland’s shame”, although that’s exactly what he means and everybody knows it. The first minister’s 2005 summit on sectarianism unwittingly conceded as much in its final report, which featured more references to Celtic and Rangers than the sports pages of the Daily Record.

Elsewhere, the extent of the problem remains open to debate — and even then only after an Old Firm fixture. When a chapel in Stornoway burnt down after such a match in 2004, several newspapers blamed sectarianism right up until the fire brigade discovered some faulty electrics, after which it all went terribly quiet. Still, better a live wire than a loose neutral.

Writing as I do from Northern Ireland adds a certain perspective on these matters. And one point of comparison is immediately manifest: if there is a debate over whether or not Scotland has a sectarian problem then Scotland does not have one. If it did, you would know.

But the Scottish debate is slightly more nuanced than that, and Northern Ireland is the spectre at the back of everybody’s mind. Do the sectarian attitudes that undoubtedly exist in Scotland (by which I mean Glasgow, obviously) represent a problem with Ulster parallels? My compatriot Quintin Oliver, a trustee of the anti-sectarian charity Nil By Mouth, seems to think so. Writing in Wednesday’s Herald, he commended the Scottish executive’s willingness “to learn practical lessons from the Northern Ireland experience”. However, as the only practical lessons to be learnt from the Northern Ireland experience are that talk is cheap, programmes are expensive and neither make a blind bit of difference, there is little chance of Edinburgh ’s meddling ministers leaving Belfast any the wiser.

Sectarianism in Scotland has no parallels with Northern Ireland because it mirrors no deeper faults. The divide between Protestant and Catholic does not correspond to the divides between British and Scottish, unionist and nationalist or rich and poor. There is not even a conscious Scottish sense of majority and minority, let alone a constitutional question with tribal fates at stake. In fact the only corresponding divide is between Rangers and Celtic — so it is telling that this is where the issue tends to erupt.

The inescapable conclusions are that sectarianism will never erupt anywhere else, that Glasgow’s Ulster legacy is no more of a threat to Scotland than Liverpool’s is to England, and that McConnell should stop making high-blown excuses for a really rather ordinary weekend public-order problem. After all, what actual consequences of sectarianism are not a crime already? Assaults, threats, arson, affray, wounding, incitement, intimidation, behaviour likely to lead to a breach of the peace — every conceivable way in which one individual might inflict their sectarianism upon another is fully covered by existing legislation.

All that remains to be outlawed are the contents of people’s heads and even Tony Blair can’t get his geldings to jump that hurdle. The miserable failure of every initiative against anti-social behaviour bodes ill for any initiative against anti-social opinions. When so few people are punished for throwing a punch, how many will be punished for thinking about it? All these questions and more have been totally ignored by McConnell’s 18-point plan which sets out to stamp out sectarianism with a fluffy Jack-boot of love and understanding. On the left foot — I’ll just use that expression while I’m still allowed — are measures for prevention. On the right foot are measures for a cure. Both would be laughable if their controlling subtext wasn’t so sinister.

Every child in Scotland will be dragged along to a “powerful anti-sectarian play” with the powerfully sectarian title of Singing I’m no Billy, He’s a Tim — so any child unaware of sectarian distinctions should be well aware of them very soon. Young people will be further subjected to re-education through New Labour in their universities, churches, youth groups and voluntary organisations until there is no corner of their life left where everyone hasn’t been slapped with a label. Football banning orders will be introduced but with an explicitly Billy and Tim agenda, rather than the straightforward crime prevention agenda that sufficed in England and Wales.

Most ominously the first minister wants an “in-depth analysis” of cases brought under Section 74 of the Criminal Justice (Scotland) Act, which makes prejudicial aggravation a factor in sentencing. Even a cursory analysis of similar legislation in Northern Ireland shows that this is a fool’s errand. The concept of “hate crime” in law is so ill-conceived and subjective that our Public Prosecution Service simply refuses to use it. More police, not thought police, is the answer — but why invest in a boring old public service when you can wow the voters with an 18-point initiative? This, I’m afraid, is the real lesson the Scottish executive has taken from Northern Ireland. “Tackling sectarianism” is an industry here, a vast, self-perpetuating middle-class welfare scheme that is the wonder of worthless parasites the world over. So don’t worry that McConnell’s personal crusade will entrench sectarianism in Scotland — your fortunate soil could never bear its weight. Worry, instead, that he will entrench an army of crusaders.

Newton Emerson is a columnist with the Irish News in Belfast

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