Last week a father in England was told to remove his daughter’s trampoline for health and safety reasons — in case burglars used it to jump through his neighbours’ windows. Perhaps he should also leave his front door open so as to ensure that burglars run as little risk to their health as possible? I sleep with all the windows open these days, partly because the weather is so humid but also because I do not want any burglars cutting their hands on broken glass. There are plenty of lawyers willing to bring court cases on behalf of clients who have been inconvenienced by walls, stairwells, doors and other infrastructure that we use to keep our homes upright and uninvited guests on the street where they belong.

I haven’t seen all that many Irish burglars flying through the air recently as they trampoline from window ledge to window ledge. However, in principle I am in favour of people leaving trampolines or other human-projection devices in tempting positions in their gardens, since the rise in property unlawfully taken from dwellings could be more than off-set by the number of career criminals who would end up in permanent traction.

On a purely utilitarian analysis, it would almost certainly reduce crime. Whether the drug-addled zombies who commit most of the property thefts are capable of utilising trampolines or other gymnastic equipment left out for them is another question.

On the subject of political correctness gone mad, Fianna Fail has drawn up a document designed to prevent bullying and sexual harassment in the party. It contains a list of examples of bullying including verbal abuse, humiliation and menacing behaviour.

No argument there, especially if the document is retrospective and covers those officials of whom the taoiseach said, “We need to get a handle on this. Will you ring those f***ers?”, thereby ticking all three boxes in a mere 13 words. But other examples in the document caught my eye. One was “being treated less favourably than colleagues”. Would it be unfair to suggest that the author of the document may be labouring under a misapprehension as to how party politics works? Unbelievably it also offers the example of being “blamed for things beyond the person’s control”. Thus the next time that journalists question the taoiseach about the state of the economy, they are officially in breach of Fianna Fail’s policy on bullying.

The document does not specify penalties but, in what appears to be a clear breach of its own contents, it threatens that appropriate sanctions will be imposed. Surely having to listen to Cowen’s explanations about the economy is punishment enough for all us bullies at the moment? The document points out that unwanted physical contact is prohibited. Everyone who has been the victim of a politician trying to kiss them in front of the cameras should take note.

Sexual harassment should not be confused with “friendly behaviour or relationships which are mutually entered into”, the document points out. This is a relief as nobody wants to see political sex scandals disappear, especially during a recession.

The only story to lighten the gloom last week was the verbal hopscotch provided by the governor of South Carolina tearfully explaining that while he had “crossed lines” with a number of women the only one he had crossed “the ultimate line” with was his Argentinian lover. She was his soul-mate, but he was trying to fall back in love with his wife. With that press conference, Governor Mark Sanford became the first politician to make Bill Clinton’s explanations loom like a model of probity and clarity.

It is not clear whether the publication of Fianna Fail’s bullying policy is in response to a particular incident, or whether Silvio Berlusconi is dropping by and someone thought it would be useful to pin a few house rules to the door of the Dail bar. While denying that he had ever paid prostitutes to attend parties at his official residences, Berlusconi explained: “I never understood where the satisfaction is when you’re missing the pleasure of conquest.” Even his most ardent supporter would have to admit that this amounts to at least a technical infraction of FF policy.

The precise parameters of socially acceptable conduct will never be solved by publishing daft pamphlets, especially ones drafted by politicians. It is the need to be seen as politically correct that results in pronouncements such as “you cannot treat one employee less favourably than another”, or you cannot have a trampoline on your front lawn. If the authors of such policies had been around in 1937, we would now have court cases about the constitutional right to rob in complete safety, or the right not to be told that you are a lazy, useless employee.

Instead of buying into the incomprehensible terminology of political correctness, politicians would be better off leading by example. They could stop bullying anyone who disagrees with them and cut back on the trips to visit soulmates in Buenos Aires.

So the moral of the week is: be careful for whom you open your bedroom windows. As Governor Sanford might say, another line has been crossed.

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