Last Tuesday the European Court of Human Rights generously took time off from dealing with cases about the summary execution of Kurds in Turkey and the torture of prisoners in Russia to hold that the use of crucifixes in classrooms in Italy is a breach of a child’s human rights. Clearly the court has run out of real cases to hear.

But the ruling has prompted me to draft proceedings against my old school, which will include such matters as the rosary beads worn by my geography teacher, the fact that the school yard was shaped as a cross and the cancellation of classes on Christmas Day. The fact that St Paul’s, Raheny, was named after a saint simply copper-fastens my claim for aggravated damages.

Unfortunately, the judgment of the Strasbourg court is only available in French. Thus I have reluctantly removed my French teacher as a named defendant to the proceedings since I urgently need her help to translate the irregular verbs in the court’s ruling. “Cinq mille euros pour dommage moral,” certainly sounds promising, but I need to be sure I am reading it properly before appearing in the High Court next week.

And in case my playschool starts getting complacent: I still remember those prayers I had to recite before cookies and milk. See you in court, Miss Piddington.

Should your schooldays not provide fertile ground for litigation, maybe your love life will. An Irish woman is suing her dating agency for over €6,000 in damages because it allegedly failed to vet the men to whom she was introduced. After handing over her introduction fee, she went on four dates, which she alleges resulted in her being “groped, assaulted and battered without lawful excuse”.

Naturally I will be following the outcome of this case with great interest. While closely perusing personal ads on a wet Friday afternoon, I have often wondered if the ordinary principles of consumer law apply. For example, what if your date likes wild nights out, hates reading a good book and has no discernible sense of humour whatsoever. It seems unfair that you should waste time because of the fraudulent misrepresentations of someone who has definitely not been aged 29 for a number of years now.

I can think of no reason why the Sale of Goods Act 1893 should not kick in, with its implied warranty that the person is fit for purpose, corresponds with their description and is free from any undisclosed encumbrances. You wouldn’t buy a pair of slippers without such protections being in place, so why should you have to risk a public outing with a member of the opposite sex?

This raises the question as to what duty of care a dating agency owes its customers. Should they run a garda check on prospective dates and, if so, should the fact that you have a minor district-court conviction for stalking exclude you from finding true love? Could you sue a dating agency for defamation if they rule that you are unsuitable? And how is a dating agency supposed to decide who’s a suitable date these days? A couple of years ago a table for two with an eligible Irish banker or developer would have been quite the catch; now you would spend the whole night worrying about whether the wine bill will end up with Nama.

A British woman sued a dating agency after she requested a non-smoker who was rugged, educated and owned his own home. Her first date was shy and had no dress sense; the second, third and fourth were unemployed; the fifth was a chain-smoker who lived in a caravan. Oddly, reports of the case omit any information about their personalities.

A man from Brooklyn filed a $5m (€3.3m) lawsuit against Match.com, claiming that it failed to remove inactive members from its dating pool. Paying members would contact them and feel needlessly rejected and bruised when they didn’t hear anything back. Cutting-edge Irish lawyers are hoping to develop an unenumerated constitutional obligation to accept every romantic proposal you receive, to ensure that nobody’s feelings are ever hurt again.

Clearly it’s time to bring a lawyer along on dates. As well as providing legal advice, I would also be able to fill any lulls in the conversation, increasing the chances of a successful outcome to the evening. While it is grubby to talk about money in the context of true love, my fee would be 10% of the value of any emoluments you receive as a result of a successful match.

The point that is perhaps being missed in all of this litigation is that dating is not susceptible to scientific or legal analysis. Thus, being introduced to someone who precisely matches all of your preconceived criteria could in fact be the worst possible thing that could happen to you. On the other hand, meeting a shy, badly dressed, unemployed chain-smoker with a heart of gold could change your life.

I am frequently asked whom my ideal date would be. The answer should be obvious: a mendacious teacher in her mid thirties with sociopathic tendencies and a crucifix round her neck. That way I would be eligible for damages both under Irish consumer law and the European Convention of Human Rights.

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