The spa of the Four Seasons Hotel, Beverly Hills, is the first celebrity-coddling parlour in Los Angeles to use eggs from a bottom-feeding fish as an anti-ageing treatment. The Caviar Facial, as it is known, is becoming the spa treatment of choice for those with little dresses to wear at big events, such as the Emmies next month.

The reason? It is so gentle, it can be administered hours before Jimmy Choos hit red carpet. And for those simply too fabulous to drive to the hotel spa, there is, naturally, a chauffeur who will pick you up in a Rolls-Royce Phantom (in black, of course). And then he will drive you home, as you luxuriate in “the glow”.

Hannah Sowd, 32, a Palestinian-American, applies the cold, mushy substance to my face with what feels like a trowel. “Caviar actually has a cell structure that is very similar to human collagen,” she says. “It sounds cheesy, but every time I do it I’m amazed by the results.”

It all makes perfect scientific sense — apart, of course, from the cost: a 35oz tub of sevruga from 1-800-Caviar will cause a $1,312.50 bruise on your black Amex Centurian Card. Slapping the stuff on your cheeks, Home Alone style, seems like the kind of extravagance that would make even Gatsby blush. The 90-minute treatment, mercifully, costs a mere $250, although Ms Sowd will not disclose exactly how much sevruga you are being served.

“It’s like guessing the amount of rose petals in rose water,” she says, as a piano and double bass play a woozy melody in the background, accompanied by distant synthesised whale noises.

The Caviar Facial begins with a straightforward cleansing, followed by a fruit enzyme peel. Then comes the hand massage and steam treatment. After that, it’s on to the sevruga, which, to this correspondent’s disappointment, is not recognisable as fish eggs. It is a thick, green gunk that contains sevruga extracts and “spirulina algae”, hence the colour.

At no point are you tempted to ask for a blini, to snack on what’s left in the jar. When the green stuff comes off, it’s time for the “Marine matrix sheet”.

This, as the name suggests, is a white, bandage-like sheet that contains shrimp shells saturated with yet more caviar extract. The session with Hannah is wound up with a foot massage and more caviar-based face creams. Those with a Socialist Worker subscription need not apply. Ms Sowd, to reassure those who find the idea of butchering a fish to look good at a party offensive, says: “They get the eggs from the sturgeon by massaging it in a certain way. It’s great image, isn’t it? The fish relaxing on a massage table. It kind of sums it all up, really.”

In total, 30 products are used from Kerstin Florian, the California-based spa supplier named after its Swedish-born founder. This, the Four Seasons says, justifies the cost, which is more than double that for most facial treatments.

“It’s the ideal pre-event facial, because there’s no picking or extraction, which can leave you looking red,” Ms Sowd says. “Instead, there are three gradual exfoliations. You can have this treatment 24 hours to 48 hours before a big event, unlike a traditional facial, which you have three to five days prior. We’re already getting booked up for the Emmies.”

Ms Sowd, alas, will not disclose the names of the celebrities on the list, but says that there are many.

Leaving the spa in search of something more manly, such as a single malt and a cigar, this correspondent could certainly see a difference: even pallid Northern English flesh seemed more alluring after being smothered with a king’s feast.

Alas, the meagre nature of a foreign correspondent’s salary probably rules out repeat visits. If only the grease from a battered North Sea haddock could achieve the same results.

BEAUTY SECRETS

Times Recommends

• Over the Wall
• Why Africa welcomes the ‘new colonialism’
• Which will come out on top: paper or gold?