Monday

My opponents are saying that a McCain presidency would be a continuation of a Bush presidency. That is plain wrong. My position is different to the position of George W. Bush. He is taller than me. Our positions consistently differ by almost four inches.

I do not intend to besmirch George W. Bush but in many areas we do not concur. Take climate change. He thinks climate change is not important, and he is not going to do anything. Whereas I think climate change is very important, and I am not going to do anything about it. See? A McCain first term is not a Bush third term. The American people recognise this. They will vote for change.

Tuesday

I have a driver. He is called Clive. I'm told that George W. Bush has a driver, too. He is called Michael. Clive, Michael, Clive, Michael. You take my point? These names don't even start with the same letter. The American people know this. They will not believe a lie.

“Senator McCain?” says Clive, as I reach my car. “We have Senator Clinton on the line for you, sir.”

We move out of signal and Senator Clinton is cut off. She calls back. Senator Clinton always calls back. Sometimes again and again.

“John?” she says. “I want you to know that I'm still the enemy. Don't go taking me off your dartboard, you hear? Never mind this Bee Ess about the delegates! I'm the one you've got to watch out for! I'm taking this all the way.”

I admire Senator Clinton. I have known her many years. Maybe 16 years. I can count to 16. As the American people know, George W. Bush could not.

Wednesday

She's not wrong, though. In my campaign headquarters, we do indeed have a dartboard. On this, there is a picture of Barack Obama, under a picture of Hillary Clinton, under a picture of Barack Obama, under a picture of Hillary Clinton, under a picture of Barack Obama, under a picture of Hillary Clinton under a picture of Barack Obama. The Democrats do not have a monopoly on change. Just look at our dartboard. Oh yes, America!

It's not impossible that George W. Bush once had a dartboard with John Kerry on it. But never mind that. On many, many other important areas, we diverge. My middle name is Sidney. They never tell you that.

Thursday

Senator Clinton calls again. She is sending over another dartboard, to stand next to the dartboard with the picture of Senator Obama on it. “It's a running-mate dartboard,” she says keenly. “It's a little smaller.” I tell Senator Clinton that we don't want her dartboard. Hell, we don't need it. Only the presidential candidate gets a dartboard. Everybody knows that.

Senator Clinton says that's up to us. If we don't want the dartboard, she says, she would be more than happy to come over and personally stand in front of the main one. I hang up. Several times.

Friday

I also, as it happens, disagree with President Bush on Iraq. His position is untenable. George W. Bush believes that the surge is working, and that we must stay there until the job is done. John S. McCain believes that we must stay there until the job is done and that the surge is working. “That sounds kinda similar,” says Clive, over his shoulder.

I sigh, look out the window, and tuck into my afternoon biscuit. It's a Wagon Wheel. As the American people well know, George W. Bush wouldn't eat a Wagon Wheel. He'd have a pretzel. It's clear blue water, my friends. Plain as the day.

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