We ask you the Bugle community to tell as many lies as humanly possible on our
Bugle Wiki. As Wikipedia got cross and banned us form vandalising our entry
we ask you to collate the biggest tome of bullshit ever written.
Bugle Wiki
To inspire you here is the entry sent in, heroically by Andy Wilkin, in August
2008, from The Bugle's Wikipedia page before it was so callously taken down:
The Bugle, the alpha and omega of particularly notable weekly news
podcasts, hosted by John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman, and distributed by
TimesOnline. Most of the time, Oliver is based in New York with Zaltzman, of
Scooby Doo and the Jewish POW Camp fame, in London. Both hosts wear nothing
but Mr. Kipling apple tarts as bespoke loincloths for the duration of each
segment before using them as bartering tokens to prevent the magpie uprising.
"New episodes of The Bugle are recorded midweek and released on Fridays
with related material appearing on the Times Online website.
Contents
* 1 History
* 2 Controversy
* 3 Features
* 4 Andy Zaltzman Memorial Misinformation Section
* 5 References
History
The Bugle was first created in 1907, but wasn't first heard until October
2007 due to the fact that podcasts weren't invented until much later. Early
wax cylinder recordings of the show were recently found in Texas, Liverpool,
Shanghai, and Sydney, but these episodes are too controversial to be
released today, due to Andy and John's inexplicable decision to record each
show in blackface, and to give out coded illumanti messages in haiku at the
end of each show. The original name of the satirical news show was "Andy,
John and friends," but it was changed after it was discovered that they had
no friends. They settled on "The Bugle" after a computer programmer realized
that when the first episode is converted into code, it resembles a trumpet
like instrument. While their first podcast attracted little notice from the
world, The Bugle has been steadily growing in popularity among 17 to 86 year
olds due to its winning combination of childish humor, world news and its
award winning "Hotties From History" section.
Born "Andrea" in 1969, Andy Zaltzman received a successful sex change
operation in 1998. He had second thoughts two years later, becoming a woman
again, before having yet another surgery in 2006 to settle on the
androgenous happy medium we know and love today.
Zaltzman was a founding member of English pop band the Housemartins.
Zaltzman and the group parted ways in 1986 just prior to the band's
pre-Christmas number one, Caravan of Love. Although Zaltzman refuses to
discuss the split, fans maintain that his contribution of mime was
under-appreciated by the band and fans, who often mistook his passionate
solos for the gaps between album tracks.
Andy shot four scenes for the latest Batman film playing the Joker's
partner in crime, however these scenes were sadly left on the cutting room
floor after the Director deemed Andy's appearence too shocking for
mainstream cinema.
John Oliver won Olympic Gold in the 1968 Mexico City Olympic Games after
being drafted into the Swedish womens volleyball team, they won by 3 points
to 0 against Andorra. John also wrote a cookbook "2,362 Ways to Dice an
Aubergine" which reached 92 in the Ukrainian hard back charts. It is now
available at all second hand books shops and certain car boot sales on the
A42.
Although a widely known fact that John was born in Birmingham, it is not so
well known that he is actually made entirely of chocolate and was brought to
life with the helpful magic of a singing and dancing cricket named 'Jiminy'.
The show was almost ended in February 2006 when Andy and John had a
argument over a cock meat sandwich. They attempted to end the show and part
different ways but when they presented this to The Times they discovered
that the original contracts they signed when they started the show legally
binds their friendship and made either of them leaving the show impossible.
But to this day it's been said you can heard the resentment in both Andy and
John's voices
In episode 41, in response to a listener e-mail, Andy gave a call to arms
for all Bugle listeners to add one lie to the Bugle's Wikipedia page: "No
facts allowed."
Controversy
In episode 39, it was revealed that John Oliver not only came from the same
continent as the Spanish dictator Francisco Franco, but has shamelessly
stood by as more than one billion people have died during his lifetime. The
same episode also exposed the fact that Andy Zaltzman lives in London, the
same city where the Communist Manifesto was written just a short 160 years
before his birth. In addition, he has been accused of being a Crimean
Warfare Fetishist. It was unclear for a time whether John and Andy would be
allowed to continue the Bugle after these startling facts were revealed.
In a separate controversy, neither Andy nor John has ever denied charges
that they like to harm baby elephants. No evidence has been found to date to
disprove this shocking accusation, and their silence on the matter has made
even their most die hard fans begin to question their innocence.
In 2006 the Bugle was nominated for preservation by the US Library of
Congress for being "culturally, historically or aesthetically" significant.
The nomination was roundly rejected, severely impairing relations between
the USA and Britain and leading both to invade Canada. This was resolved by
a short, but heartfelt, Thumb War between Zaltz 'The Destroyer' Man and
George W. Bush - after suffering a fracture in the epimysium of his left
hand causing a T.K.O., Zaltzman left America for the Gingivae filled isle
that is Britain bringing nothing but shame back from America.
Features
* Ask an American- Every few episodes, the guest known only as 'The
American' will appear on the show. He is portrayed as the stereotypical
middle-class American; xenophobic, lazy, and ignorant. He is from New Jersey
(supposedly- some fans have claimed he is from another part of the US or
even from England) and often gets in heated debates with John, each twisting
each others' logic in attempts to validate their points. He associates with
New York City, but has yet to realize that most of New Jersey is New York
City's dingle berry; much like how Canada is America's hat. The American
hasn't made an appearance in several weeks, with no comment from either host
as to a reason for his absence. There is much speculation to the identity of
The American, many believe him to be former England international Cricket
captain Ian Botham. Botham is currently serving as a tour guide in a giant
shredded wheat breakfast cereal which correlates with his absence from the
bugle adding further credibility to the The American Botham theory. There is
no evidence that the 'American' is, in fact, Jason Jones, John Oliver's
colleague on The Daily Show.
* Hotties From History- This feature began roughly around the time the show
reached double digits. For several consecutive weeks, Andy had been
mentioning his attraction to Florence Nightingale with progressively lewd
language. This culminated with John calling Andy out on this, however it
only provoked Andy into encouraging listeners to e-mail in other historical
figures they were attracted to. Hotties From History was born. John was
initially against the idea, but when Andy put a slideshow of the nominations
onto the Bugle blog and John had watched it, he declared that he had become
a 'total convert'. The ground rules for the contest are only that the
nominee have been dead for roughly half a century- otherwise it would be
creepy. At the end of each month, Andy announces the male and female
nominations with the most votes, crowning them 'Mr. and Mrs. (Month). Some
of the stranger nominations for the position have been Joanna the Mad,
Tiresias, and the Toba Eruption. The latter led to a new rule that nominees
"must be human."
* Audio Cryptic Crossword- Pioneered by Andy, this was a fan favorite.
Towards the end of each show, Andy would give a space & direction in a
crossword grid (available on the blog), followed by a clue. After a few
weeks, John commented on how there was probably nobody actually doing the
crossword, which Andy refuted forcefully. Each week, John would
progressively declare his hate for the crossword in larger terms until it
became a major divisive point between the hosts, each trying to rally
support from fans in their favor (Andy receiving the majority). After the
final clue was given in episode 29, John gave his opinion on the Crossword
as a whole: "I see the glorious history of the Audio Cryptic Crossword as I
see the glorious history of the Third Reich- a terrible idea that was rammed
down peoples throats for far too long." Andy replied that he agreed with the
Third Reich comparison, but for different reasons: It was "a triumph for
persistence, doggedness, and the value of standing up to pressure from the
other side of the Atlantic." The following week when a listener named Elliot
sent an e-mail stating firmly that he was extremely glad the Crossword was
over, Andy retorted that "people were glad when the war was over, but that
doesn't mean it wasn't the greatest part of British history." The hosts have
come up with several ideas for segments to fill up the space once occupied
by the crossword, but none have lasted more than a couple weeks.
* The Bugle Blog- Andy periodically updates a segment on the Times Online
website with extra e-mails, information on the Bugle, and downloadable
versions of the past few episodes.[2]This section has been known to be
forgotten by Mr Zaltzman for many reasons including, Cricket,Shiny
Objects,the Olympics, his child,tiredness and Grapes.
* Bugle Forecast- At the end of each show, the hosts will make a prediction
about the following week. It started out as simply the weather, but has
branched out to topics as diverse as the results of the U.S. Open and the
number of squirrels to be killed on the world's roads in the following week.
* Impala-Bugle Conflict- As of August 15th, 2008 known Impala hater Andy
Zaltzman declared war on the Impala Nation. In Episode 40, Andy was
describing an example of insensitively letting your child know a pet has
died, using an impala for the hypothetical pet in question. During the
anecdote, Andy described an impala's neck as "stupid", among other insults.
The following week, a representative for impalas worldwide, Ignatius Impala,
responded to Andy by informing him that in the upcoming Impala Uprising he
would be second in line to be hunted down (after lions). Andy then declared
war on impalas, saying he would eat any impala he came across. He tried to
recruit John into helping him in the war, but John refused, protecting the
neutrality the impalas granted him.
* MC-Hammer Lyrics- On a few occasions John has quoted MC-Hammer to
apologize to Mike Gravel and heckle Alfred Lord Tennison, the
great-great-grandfather of hardcore Gangsta rap. He has also recently segued
in Cypress Hill, as well as mentioning a fondness for N.W.A. - after stating
that one of them is dead (this is yet to be confirmed).
Andy Zaltzman Memorial Misinformation Section
***This Section, Which Has NO FACTS WHATSOEVER, is dedicated to the Memory
of Andy (born Andrea) Zaltzman who died in March, aged 49 and 3/8s. ***
* America has a secret world-spanning empire. Slogan: "The sun never sets
on McDonalds and Coke."
* John Oliver's last name is actually "The Apostle." After writing the book
of Revelation, the Lord decided to drop him off in the early 21st century to
pursue his dreams as a British comedian.
* On 8/17/2008 Andy Zaltzman never claimed to call to post "no facts
whatsoever".
* 17 people, 14 Hippos and a small South American village were destroyed as
a direct result of issue 36 of the Bugle. This lead to the Pope and many
other fictional characters calling for the Bugle to be banned.
* Andy Zaltzman is credited by many people who like sitting close to, but
not directly touching carpets as the true inventor of the beanbag. In 1984
he became tangled in a painful legal battle with Jimmy Saville who himself
claimed to have invented the popular chair alternative.
* In March of 2008, John Oliver was declared to be an "enemy of The Cross"
by John Hagee Ministries after Oliver trivialized the crucifixion of Jesus
Christ as an "S&M experiment that went horribly wrong."
* Zaltzman has recently claimed that he is driving up oil prices because he
uses it as an ingredient/poison in his world famous carbonara, he appears to
be attempting kill all his opposition, therefore becoming the all powerful
leader of the galaxy. He has been stated (of the record) as saying "I will
be queen, i want to be queen...not king, no. Queen. I love the Queen. I will
kill her to become Queen myself though" leading to reports he may well have
another sex operation to become Queen Andrea XVI
* It has been rumored that 'The American' is none other than Ex dead
Ugandan Dictator Idi Amin, a claim which both John and Andy have refuse to
deny. Effigies of both John and Andy are burn't in Kampala every Tuesday.
* Andy Zaltzman's bin was not actually stolen from his home. He lent it to
Prime Minister Gordon Brown as a place to keep his plan to resurrect the
struggling UK economy. The bin was then stolen by David Cameron and sold to
the LA Galaxy along with David Beckham.
