Sun, sand and secrecy — this is the way tax havens like to sell themselves. The approach clearly works, because £3.5 trillion (million million) is currently held offshore — nearly three times the value of firms on the London Stock Exchange. Tax-avoidance centres now claim to play “an essential role in the worldwide financial structure”.

Yet moving offshore is not all tax-dodging, blonde-winning, casino-busting fun. The wannabe tax exile must play off tropical climates and a no-questions-asked regulatory regime against often conservative local laws and cultural woes. Not to mention the neighbours. Do you really want to live next door to Tarby or face the endless daily struggle of trying to keep up with the Mittals at No 42?

Paul Knox, head of the wealth advisory department in Britain at JP Morgan Private Bank, says: “Moving abroad is not simply a case of packing a bag and moving to the sunshine. It’s tough to find the right balance between tax and lifestyle. Good research and advice is crucial.”

So we asked London’s leading private bankers to spill the golden beans on the best and worst aspects of life in a range of havens, from sunny ’n’ shady Monaco and stuffy Switzerland to razzle-dazzle Dubai.

CHANNEL ISLANDS AND THE ISLE OF MAN

Pros
No capital gains, inheritance or wealth tax. Residents are charged 10% to 18% on worldwide income. Tax relief on mortgages raised on the islands. No residency restrictions for EU citizens. Good schools. Close to mainland Britain.

Cons
The speed limit is a glacial 40mph on Jersey, so there is little chance to enjoy your Maserati. The Isle of Man is so bleak — meteorologically and culturally — that one banker reports: “A French exile client who settled near Douglas ended up a manic-depressive alcoholic and eventually committed suicide, which was not part of his succession planning.” Don’t think you can escape, because to qualify for low tax status, you must spend at least six months a year on the island.

Best for
Curtain-twitchers. Anyone who would rather be living in the 1950s.

Meet the neighbours
Nigel Mansell, Ian Woosnam, John Nettles, Alan Whicker, Sir Richard Branson (for family trusts, which means he escapes the need to live there).

CARIBBEAN

Pros
No income or capital-gains tax on most of the islands — Bahamas, Caymans, Virgin Islands, Turks and Caicos, Bermuda and Belize. Companies need not file details of shareholders, directors or accounts. No residency restrictions. Only a few hours to Miami by air. Some islands have a US customs post, so you can negotiate duty as you leave. English language. Hot.

Cons
Hurricanes. Long way from the UK. Expensive property. Largely culture-free. One London-based banker says: “On one of the British Virgin Islands, the highlight of the monthly social calendar is the Full Moon party when everyone goes to the beach, eats magic mushrooms and then goes skinny dipping.” Hilarious.