FOOTBALL
"If a bus runs over me tomorrow and that is all we ever achieve then it will be worth it for that."
- Mark Palios, FA chief executive at the time, on the positive effects of Rio Ferdinand's eight-month ban for missing a drugs test.
"If you go out for a beer, all of a sudden it's multiplied by 12. If you're seen walking down the road with a girl you're having an affair."
- the former Manchester United forward Norman Whiteside on the troubles awaiting Wayne Rooney, who had just switched to Old Trafford.
"We came off life support on Friday and are now in recuperation."
- Gerald Krasner, the new chairman of Leeds United, after his consortium completed its takeover of the debt-ridden club in March.
"We would get more for Robinson if we sold him in the Leeds Weekly News."
- John Boocock, chairman of the Leeds United Supporters' Trust, after Paul Robinson, the England goalkeeper, moved to Tottenham Hotspur for £1.5million.
"Anyone can be clever, the trick is not to think the other guy is stupid."
- José Mourinho, then the FC Porto coach, in March.
"You give a player everything he needs to have a good professional life and good behaviour. It is his fault."
- Mourinho, now the Chelsea manager, blames Adrian Mutu for his dismissal after failing a drugs test for cocaine.
"Just because the bloke got caught having a couple of lines with some Page 3 bird does not mean he has got major problems."
- Ed Giddins, the former England cricketer who was once banned for testing positive for cocaine, on Mutu.
"I would sell my wife into slavery before I would sell my United shares."
- Pete Hargreaves, a Manchester United supporter, on Malcolm Glazer's takeover attempt.
"One of my players would have to be hit by an axe to get a penalty at the moment."
- Sir Alex Ferguson after Manchester United did not win a spot-kick in the derby against City at Old Trafford.
"I've felt like the fire brigade on Guy Fawkes Night for the past few weeks."
- David Dein, the Arsenal vice-chairman, on the long-running saga of whether Patrick Vieira would go to Real Madrid.
"It's important for the lads not to see a member of the squad walking around with a face like a smacked bum."
- Joe Cole on keeping his chin up despite not playing a minute for England at Euro 2004.
"I am sure some people think that I have not got the brains to be that clever."
- David Beckham on his deliberate booking for fouling Ben Thatcher, of Wales, in a World Cup qualifying match.
"Anybody who is thinking of applying for the Scotland job in the next eight or nine years should go and get themselves checked out by about 15 psychiatrists."
- Martin O'Neill, the Celtic manager.
"The lowest moment was when we were 5-0 down at West Ham last week and the realisation sank in that half my team were playing for the opposition."
- Stuart Murdoch, the Wimbledon manager, after the club's creditors accepted a takeover by Pete Winkelman's consortium.
"It's years since I've seen snow."
- Socrates, the former Brazil captain, reflects on his 13-minute debut for Garforth Town in the Northern Counties East League.
"They would hang me from the rafters at Molineux if someone who used to manage West Brom were given the job."
- Rick Hayward, the chairman of Wolverhampton Wanderers, on the news that Gary Megson, the former Albion manager, had applied for the job at Wolves.
"I just took it on the chin."
- Bill Leslie waxes philosophical after the miss from a yard by Kanu, the West Bromwich Albion forward, cost his side a draw against Middlesbrough and Leslie a £38,000 accumulator bet.
"His future is definitely in front of him."
- Andy Gray, the Sky Sports expert, on the England prospects of Chris Kirkland, the Liverpool goalkeeper.
"He dropped out at 1pm when we discovered he had tweaked a hamstring walking upstairs at home. We're now asking him to move to a bungalow."
- Steve Coppell, the Reading manager, on Glen Little's late withdrawal from the match against Brighton and Hove Albion. Reading still won 2-1.
CRICKET
"He is going to get a hell of a lot better. People might be surprised to hear that but you have got to remember he is still as rough as guts."
- Richie Benaud, the former Australia captain and doyen among commentators, on Stephen Harmison, the England fast bowler.
"I think there are a couple of players who need their butts kicked."
- Ray Jennings, the new South Africa coach, shows why he has a reputation for straight talking.
"I'm gonna turn on the heat, make him or break him ... no soft option."
- Jennings again on his proposed course of TLC with Jacques Kallis.
"If England fire a rifle, I want to fire a cannon. If they fire a peashooter, I want us to be firing a bazooka."
- Jennings the Jaw once more, this time on his plans to tackle Harmison.
"Come on, his sleeves are absolutely unique."
- a female fan in Calcutta explains how to recognise Sachin Tendulkar.
"I'll tell you what pressure is. Pressure is a Messerschmitt up your arse. Playing cricket is not."
- The late Keith Miller puts life in perspective.
"I didn't want to go then, so why should I want to go now?"
- Andrew Flintoff confirms he never had any intention of touring Zimbabwe.
OLYMPIC GAMES
"I had to watch the screen and then someone shouted that I had won. I just couldn't believe it."
- Kelly Holmes after claiming gold in the 800 metres.
"I don't think I will ever be able to run that quickly again because I will never have that same drive and determination."
- Holmes after adding the 1,500 metres gold.
"I just felt like I had let everyone down, but no one is hurting inside like I am."
- Paula Radcliffe the day after pulling out during the marathon.
"I haven't stopped smiling since we won and even if I'd found out my house had burnt down when I got home I would still be smiling."
- Matthew Pinsent after winning his fourth rowing gold.
"For that money, I'd be happy to deliver a lorry-load."
- Leslie Law reveals he had an offer of £750 in aid of charity for a bag of manure from his gold medal-winning Athens mount, Shear L'Eau.
RACING
"I believe one race per day in British racing to be fixed."
- Chris Bell, the chief executive of Ladbrokes, expresses his fears over racing in the 21st century.
"I'm just an old, broken-down taxi-driver who got lucky in the [Grand] National - again."
- Ginger McCain, the trainer of Red Rum, after securing his fourth Aintree triumph, this time with Amberleigh House.
"This one's very special - I'd forgotten what it felt like."
- Frankie Dettori after winning the jockeys' title for the first time in nine years.
RUGBY UNION
"If I haven't taken too many bangs on the head by the end of my career, I might just start thinking about using my brain again."
- Lawrence Dallaglio on life after rugby union.
"At least this time I haven't been the subject of a poll comparing me with Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden."
- Colin Charvis, the captain of Wales, speaking about his popularity in the Principality.
"If I am in a minority of one it does not mean to say I am wrong."
- Sir Clive Woodward, the retiring England head coach, on his disagreements with the RFU over the future of the national team.
"We are not calling them the All Blacks this week. They are New Zealand, which is a poxy little island in the Pacific Ocean."
- Scott Johnson, the assistant Wales coach and an Australian, gives his verdict on his Antipodean neighbours.
"I apologise to all New Zealanders. In fact, it's two islands."
- Johnson piles on the agony.
RUGBY LEAGUE
"We had prepared to play George Foreman and got George Formby."
- Brian Noble, the Bradford Bulls coach, on St Helens sending a drastically weakened team to Odsal.
"Worry is like a rocking-chair. It gives you something to do but gets you nowhere."
- Wayne Bennett, the Australia coach, on coping with pressure.
"We trained like Tarzan all week, then played like Jane."
- Frank Endacott, the Widnes coaching adviser, after the Vikings' 40-6 hammering away to Wakefield Trinity Wildcats.
"Wigan doesn't offer much in the way of waves."
- Peter Doust, the St George-Illawarra Dragons chief executive, fends off a bid from land-locked Wigan Warriors for Mark Gasnier, the Australia centre.
MOTORCYCLING
"This is my gift to everybody. It is my gift to the fans, the other riders, the show."
- Valentino Rossi on why he left the all-conquering Honda for an ailing Yamaha team.
"All Honda are bastards."
- Rossi in pithier mood after his old team's complaints led to a time penalty in Qatar.
"I will finish my career with Yamaha."
- Rossi rubs salt into the wounds after defying the odds to win the world title with his new team.
"If you got beaten up in the street, you wouldn't say, 'how's your sledgehammer?'"
- Neil Hodgson, asked what he said when the Briton confronted Max Biaggi after a clash in the Czech Grand Prix.
TENNIS
"When I was 12 he told me to keep breaking rackets."
- Mario Ancic, the conqueror of Tim Henman at Wimbledon, recalls a pearl from Goran Ivanisevic.
"I was saying bad things about myself. There was a darkness in my brain."
- Ivanisevic bows out of Wimbledon in time-honoured fashion.
"I am going to miss everything, the guys, serving aces on 15-40, talking to the umpire, watching the Teletubbies."
- Ivanisevic after playing his final game at the All England Club.
"If ice-cream is a steroid, I'm definitely positive for that."
- Mark Philippoussis after being asked if he was one of the players, alongside Greg Rusedski, to have tested positive for nandrolone.
SAILING
"When you give every goddam bit of yourself to try and break something when the odds are against you and you don't do it by that much, it is infuriating."
- Ellen MacArthur after failing by 75 minutes to break the solo transatlantic record.
"He's got no morals whatsoever. This is by far the worst case of bad sportsmanship I've ever experienced."
- Ben Ainslie on Guillaume Florent, the French Finn sailor, whose controversial protest in Athens could have scuppered Ainslie's second successive Olympic gold medal.
"When I see him I'll probably say nothing and just wander past, hopefully with the gold medal. I might dangle it in front of him."
- Ainslie again, when asked what he would do if he did go on to win the medal.
"It was exciting at the start, but when I went round the last buoy and people started going, it suddenly seemed like a bloody long time."
- Alex Thomson faces reality on the first evening of the Vendée Globe single-handed round-the-world race.
MOTOR RACING
"People want to build new circuits around the world and they say: 'We'll come to Silverstone and have a look how it's done', and I tell them to stay away."
- Bernie Ecclestone, Formula One's all-powerful one, on whether the circuit should stage the British Grand Prix in 2005.
"They [the BRDC] came back with an offer that was take it or leave it. I chose to leave it."
- Ecclestone again.
"This is fantastic news for everybody - for Bernie, for Silverstone, for British motor sport and for Formula One."
- Ray Bell, the BRDC chairman, after signing a five-year deal for the grand prix at Silverstone.
"I never wanted it off in the first place."
- Ecclestone after adding his autograph to the agreement.
GOLF
"If it's an exam paper, they're asking you a question that there's no answer to. It's playing downwind and the flag's cut on a downslope."
- Lee Westwood on the short 17th at Shinnecock Hills, where the greens for the US Open were criticised for being far too fast.
"This match means bugger-all to me personally."
- Colin Montgomerie, the Europe hero, on how he forgets himself and plays for the team in the Ryder Cup.
"There is no clause in the rules which says anything about Union Jack trousers and we shall not be asking Ian to change them."
- Peter Dawson, the chief executive of the R&A, after Ian Poulter's sartorial excesses for his first round at the Open at Royal Troon.
"I've had lots of comments and 99.9 per cent of them have made me regret what I said."
- Paul Casey on the reaction to his comments that he "hated" the Americans in the Ryder Cup.
SNOOKER
"I was thinking of my Dad watching the final on television in prison. I can't wait to go and visit him - this title was for him."
- Ronnie O'Sullivan after his world title victory over Graeme Dott.
CYCLING
"The harder you practise the luckier you get and it's great to be back in yellow."
- Lance Armstrong after winning a record sixth Tour de France in succession.
DARTS
"He has got to drop the weight. If he doesn't, it's going to kill him."
- Phil "The Power" Taylor offers some advice to 30st Andy Fordham after he had pulled out midway through their much-hyped televised showdown because of an asthma attack.
