Worst judgment call ‘He has fielded like a camel and bowled like a drain’ — former captain Bob Willis speaking on Sky about England bowler Kabir Ali, when he was given the last over to bowl in the one-dayer in Bloemfontein. Kabir’s last six balls went for two runs and brought three wickets — to pull off an astonishing tie for England

Understatement of the tour ‘I wouldn’t want him to be left in the same room as him’ — England’s media liaison officer on the South African journalist who endorsed in print the crowd at The Wanderers calling Steve Harmison a ‘w*****’

Most predictable punishment Herschelle Gibbs being fined for a late night during the third Test in his home city of Cape Town. It was the fourth time in his career that he had been punished for breaking curfew

Nicest compliment ‘They are the best England side I’ve seen in my time’ — Australia captain Ricky Ponting

Most predictable abuse ‘You guys are s***’ — text message sent to England players’ representative Richard Bevan by a former Australian Test cricketer as England lost in Cape Town

Second-most predictable abuse ‘Flat-track bully. Big bully. Very big bully’ — voice from the South Africa slip cordon, believed to belong to captain Graeme Smith, when Robert Key walked out to bat in Cape Town

Schadenfreude lives ‘I had friends texting saying they hoped he got out for nought’ — Mark Butcher after injury forced him out of the Cape Town Test and his place went to Key. Key was out fifth ball for nought

Best victory salute ‘It’s the best moment for me since I became captain, because we’ve really struggled with form. We’ve had to dig deep with mental resolve’ — Michael Vaughan savours England’s first Test series victory in South Africa since 1965

Strangest motivational tactic South Africa coach Ray Jennings and Smith throwing Makhaya Ntini into an ice bath during the tea interval at The Wanderers. ‘Makhaya seemed dull and out of it all day,’ Jennings said. ‘It made him really mad and he abused me.’ Well, there’s a surprise. But the tactic worked. Ntini took two wickets in the next session

Poor taste 1 Kevin Pietersen, England’s South African-born Wunderkind, wanting to copy Darren Gough’s Three Lions tattoo. ‘This is there for life. That will tell them all I’m English,’ he said. Yuk

Poor taste 2 Pietersen’s vests, which he wears whenever he’s in the dressing room

Poor taste 3 Pietersen’s new hairstyle for the fifth one-dayer in East London. He’d put a large streak of mustard (English, of course) through his dark locks

Good taste Pietersen emigrating from South Africa and then going back there to take their bowlers apart