WELL, IT HAS taken more than 20 years but at last I’ve found my brand. The political party that Gordon Brown leads: that’s the one for me.

Haven’t you heard of it? Oh, where have you been? It’s marvellous. No sleaze, no lies, no failures. They were nothing to do with the war in Iraq, you know, and all they do is give money away. To Olympic athletes, to schools. And they’re going to get us the World Cup in 2014. Oh yes, it’s Gordon Brown all the way for me now.

I’m so glad to be rid of new Labour with its hypocrisy and dirty dealing. And I don’t fancy the chances of whoever has to step into Tony Blair’s shoes, either. No way, not now Gordon’s around. Imagine having to carry the can for the war and the pensions crisis, and because the NHS is up the spout and a generation of school leavers get a headache from reading a particularly long text message. I bet they wish they had a party like Gordon’s. It just puzzles me why he hasn’t got round to giving it a name. A smart cookie like Gordon you would think he would know the importance of marketingin the modern age. Maybe he is waiting for the right moment. Make a big fuss. It’s amazing how many people haven’t even heard about his party yet. You won’t believe this, but I met a bloke the other day who thought he had something to do with new Labour.

I used to do some work with Sooty and Sweep. A long time ago now, I don’t like to talk about it. I was about 6. We were on stage at the Mayfair Theatre. I had to pretend to be an old man. I got stiffed for first prize by a three-year-old playing a tree; but you can’t get bitter. Anyway, slip working with Sooty into the conversation and you tend to get a lot of questions. What was he like off stage? Was Soo as hot in real life? Were the rumours about Sweep and Ashley Cole true? And who was your favourite? Now I don’t normally tell tales, but I’m going to let you into a little secret. Sooty and Sweep: they were the same person. Comes as a shock, I know, but it’s the truth. One guy, Harry, with a hand up each puppet. So there is no debate. I like Sooty more than Sweep; I like Sweep better than Sooty. No, you fools. Don’t you see? They cannot be separated. They were one mind.

You see where this is going? I like Tony better than Gordon; I like Gordon more than Tony. Hold on, where have Tony and Gordon got their hands? Oh, good Lord, they’re the same person. One went to war; one supported the war. One lives at No 10, one at No 11. This is a partnership. This is a management team. It is their failing NHS, their crummy education system, their pensions crisis. There is no Gordon Brown party. The Conservatives called Brown the roadblock to reform, but he is the co-pilot, not the bump in the road. Like Sooty and Sweep, Brown and Blair argue (indeed we know about as much of Brown as we do the mysterious Sweep), but one could not exist without the other.

Is it time for Tony Blair to go, The Times asked on Saturday. A number of commentators said yes; a more surprising amount then continued to discuss Brown’s succession, as if the pair were apples and oranges, not peas in a pod. Get it straight, Preston: Brown has not spent the last nine years in opposition. For almost a decade he has been Chancellor of the Exchequer, the second-most powerful man in the country. So, if you are disillusioned with what new Labour has become, Brown is not the alternative, he is part of the problem. Blair did not go to war in Iraq alone, but with government backing, and the one senior minister to oppose it resigned and later dropped dead halfway up a mountain. If you are of the belief that Blair has made a calamitous foreign policy mistake, one that will continue to reverberate long after his departure, you must also concede that Brown was the voice in his ear, saying: “Yes, Tony. Bombs could be here in 45 minutes, eh? That makes sense.” Robin Cook walked into oblivion. Brown hopes to walk into No 10 by clinging to power and supporting the Prime Minister as he always has. As Blair’s right-hand man it is his duty.

The TheyWorkForYou website that monitors Westminster voting patterns lists Brown as the 403rd most rebellious MP, putting him in the group that never rebels against the party in parliament and documenting a strong voting record in favour of foundation hospitals, student top-up fees, the Iraq war and ID cards. He was only moderately in favour of the anti-terrorism laws, but this was more to do with missing 44 of 72 votes on the subject. In other words, he sings the company song to the end.

As does Blair. Which is why it makes increasing sense for him to stick around, with his Government called into question like never before. Were Blair to go now, and Brown to step into his shoes, the country would have four long years to work out who was Sooty and who was Sweep. There would be plenty of time to absorb the reality that nothing really changes, that there is no new new Labour, just old new Labour, with the same faces that are no longer trusted and ideas that always sound better on paper.

We will spend as much on state education as is spent in private schools now, said Brown last week. Except he didn’t. Not really. His intention was to spend as much on buildings and facilities in 2011 — £1,000 per child — as private schools did in 2005. Natural growth in tax revenues would have taken care of that anyway. Even then, it was merely his ambition. There was no date. No finite target. He might as well have waved a wand and said izzy, wizzy, let’s get busy. Maybe dear old Harry is still keeping his hand in. What’s that you say, Gordon? It wasn’t you, Gordon? Oh, that naughty Sweep.